as the dust settles

the fall 2010 tour has finished. but i am not done.

the only thing that seems to remain in my heart and head at this time is the feeling after the party, after the race, after the finish line ribbon has been broken. you know, when you look around and the confetti is rustling on the ground and there are smiles everywhere and people are looking into each other's eyes? that is how it is for me right now.

there's happiness and yet extreme exhaustion. we have worked so hard and now it's over. how are we finished? how have we done all of this and yet it feels like we got here yesterday? crazy. i don't know what my emotions say. if i choose to be vulnerable with you, i will tell you that there have been a lot of tears since i left san diego. its a mixture, actually. i don't know what just happened, i miss everyone there, seeing my friends from home makes my heart explode in happiness, & hugging my parents after a five month excursion. its all nuts.

i'm tired. i am quiet. i don't really know what to do with myself. i don't exactly know how to explain what all just happened.

right now my heart is kind of a jumble but i will tell you what i do know right now:
1. there is beauty in stability and there is beauty in change

Good point.

Invisible Children is trying to raise $1 Million Dollars by December 17th. I am apart of the group primarily trying to help raise the money to reach this goal. Our high schools & universities are busting their butts to help us. Needless to say, there is a lot of pressure on all of us who are participating, but we all agree that the goal is obtainable and we're going to do everything we can do to make it a reality. To help put the efforts in perspective and continue working hard without letting your mind get too wrapped up in the undefinable what ifs, I present to you the best advice I received:

"Pray and trust and don't spend too much time in the worry rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere" -Andrea Lowery.

Release

With every tough job or task you take on, there is a fight to overcome the desire to be celebrated, praised, and for me personally - the desire of being approved of by others.

We also fear humiliation, being forgotten, being wrong and in my life - fear of being corrected. My struggle with this idea is that if I am corrected then I am bad or a failure. How silly & false my concept of correction is! And the cool thing is that I am working through that & changing my perspective on correction. I can thank my friend James because he told me this: "Do not fear being corrected Meagan, fear when no one is willing to try to correct you." When we are so stuck in our ways & don't leave room for ourselves to grow, expand or change, we close our hearts off to any progression.

We work for a goal. Servitude is a place where we all need to strive to reach. For it is about letting others around you be raised up so that they can achieve things far greater than they perceived. When we take the time to help others move forward, we allow our hearts to be open to the unpredictability of change & growth even though we may not see it immediately.

That's what I've been learning lately.

Overthinker

I don't know why I, or anyone for that matter, seem to hit hypothetical "walls" in our lives.

Writers call it a "block in thought"
Athletes call it a "burn out"
Musicians are "uninspired"
Christians go through "spiritual deserts"
Marriages go through "rough patches"

There are so many types of people & phrases that match their haults in the flow of life. I have been the athlete, I am a christian, and right now I'm primarily an acitivist and philanthropist. There is a place that our lives hit when the honeymoon or the newness fades & the true fight & committment come into play. Don't get me wrong, I don't try to put people's lives & trials into tightly wrapped & easily define key words, but work with me here. I don't know much and I've experienced only a small amount of trials, but I find that the hault in ease of whatever situation you are in brings about reflection & questioning.

What do these times do for our overall well being? Can we look at our hardships & change with them? Do I have to question everything?

I've been told I think way too much. I admit that it's true. I ask a lot of questions. I analyze my situations. I wonder about future outcomes. Sometimes it hinders my actions, sometimes I'm not present, but many times it helps to see past my current situation & change my perspective. In the midst of physical fatigue & mental exhaustion, I really want to break down this wall. If I don't question my experiences & how to reach a better understanding of the world & people, then what will I learn? I want to believe in the idea that I can change for the better. If a 22 year old girl can let go of frivolous anxieties, release judgement from her mind, and continue to learn more from the people around me, maybe that means change in a broader perspective can happen, too.

"Live a life that demands explanation"

questions

there are only 3 weeks left of tour. i can't comprehend the time vortex we're living in while on the road. the best description i can give is that of an airplane. when you look at it from the ground it looks like it's moving slowly. once you're next to it, you can see the crazy speed of the engines blasting through the clouds.

even in the midst of waking up at 5:30am to drive to a high school and hang out all day, i still have time to think about different ideas or questions. some of the revolve around my role as a global citizen and as an activist. are we programmed to think that this is just a phase we go through when we're young and in our twenties? am i crazy to think we can change the world? will this be that one moment in time where i really did something with my life? i freakin' hope not! and i refuse to let it become a reality. a friend of mine who i met at IC wrote this paper about idealism and coincidentally enough, Ellie touches on everything i've wondered about but with so much more depth and support to back up her cause. is idealism dead?

i've also been watching numerous videos from RSAnimate. what they do is take a speech and animate drawings in order to better explain the information given. i'm slightly obsessed. this is my favorite so far: smile or die this video correlates to a lot of the struggles i've dealt with in my life. obviously i have not been laid off from a job or lost my family, but hardships happen to all people. basically she talks about how we create this false mentality about "attitude" and success and how they are tied to one another. what i love about this video is that she rejects the idea that staying positive will get you where you need to go. she stirs the pot with her opinions about losin' your bitter 'tude dude and always look for a way to think better!

we can't go through our lives with or faith, our religion, our jobs, our families with this mindset that if we just smile, everything will get better. we have to fight for what we think is right and best. we have to go through the bad and the ugly in order to see clearer. i hate the idea of never allowing yourself to process, think, debate, and fight with ideas or situations.

i want to understand how to disagree and also learn from disagreeing with someone. there is so much depth you can reach when you commit to the mentality that no matter how long you disagree, you will come out with a conclusion, an answer, or a better understanding of each other.

i think that is what i' m learning on the road. there is such beauty in difference. and there is real life in what doesn't come easily.

realizations

The more I'm on the road, the more I realize that there are so many more connections to my past and my present life than I could have imagined. Here is my fun example:  I took an English 1101 class my freshman year of university that changed a lot of my ideas regarding my personal abilities as a student. One day, my professor asked us to write about our dream job - not a real job like doctor, lawyer etc. but one that isn't a job and you could make a job and get paid to do it if you had the choice. I remember sitting there for a while wondering what mine would be. After 10 minutes of pure contemplation, the job popped into my head like a light bulb switching on. I decided that I would love to be a professional meet & greeter. The job would include me having the opportunity to sit at a table every day and meet every person who came and sat there. We'd sit and chat and get to know everyone's story and past in great detail. I'd hear stories from any and every person who wants to share. We'd get to know each other and I'd be able to see a broad spectrum of lifestyles. Some would be painful, others surprising, many inspiring, and then of course some that are tragic - any way you choose it I'd listen to them, hear them, care with them, and pay attention to them. I can't explain why this job would be incredibly awesome to me, but maybe that's why its my personal choice - you can't really explain the heart but you know its what keeps you going. 


Anyways, the other day while in some random town in Washington, I talked with a woman named Sue and she asked me "does this job ever get tired to you? saying the same things over and over may be pretty monotonous after a while..." I can see her point, yes we do have the same presentation every day, yes I have memorized the film, but I am never in control of the outcome. Each person's response is different, every conversation I have is unique. The coolest part is that I get the opportunity to hear a different individual's story every day! They share their life, what they think and what has made them who they are. I started smiling while talking to Sue. My dream job is now here. I am capable of being a professional meet & greeter - and so much more than that! 




"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." - Richard Bach

simple post

I've never really been one to quote Oprah before, but shoot, this woman knew how to speak directly to my heart when she said this: ‎

"Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it."

 -Oprah Winfrey

I have never done this job before. My team and I have never worked together before in this environment. Every day I am learning something new. The amount of mess ups I've accumulated  is too much to tally and I'm starting to learn the beauty of screwing up and failing. Where else would we learn? In what other experience will we be taught how to see things clearly and with a right perspective? Tough, but so good. That is the beauty of this experience and the beauty of my team as a whole. Thanks Oprah, you da besttttttt

not all thats gold glitters

i want to write about my favorite school we've been to so far.

first off, in spokane, washington you have about eight schools in the same 7 mile radius. its nuts. they have a lot of one way streets that weave in and out of suburbia and then all of a sudden - BOOM you're in the middle of a rebuilt beautiful school campus with kids walking everywhere. two schools were on the same street! thats really funny to me. maybe i'm weird. there are 2 universities in the same town, too. i finally saw gonzaga university instead of just putting them on my NCAA final 4 basketball bracket every march because their name is fun. anyways...

we've been in spokane for 8 days. we leave tomorrow to go to another part of washington, but the best thing happened yesterday. we were able to go to havermale high school - an alternative school in the city. we show up and we see tons of students in one area and there is a pillar of smoke just above their heads. right next to them is a garden fenced in and well taken care of. we step into the school and see the interior - lockers, posters, classrooms, etc. we ask two students where the lunch room is and they direct us down the hall. allowing the smell of food to direct us to where we need to go, we walk into a room filled with students munching on cheezeburgers and salads. with all of our boxes in hand i find an older woman with a smile beaming across her face. "hi! you must be meagan!! i'm cindy!" she proclaims as we start to shake hands. there are two high schoolers standing next to her. wearing thick eye liner and a shirt that says "spokane zombies" one looks to me and says 'hi! i'm haley" and we begin to have conversations about the school and Invisible Children as an organization. 

during lunch we're able to talk to Cindy - the adminstrator of the school - about what exactly havermale stands for. she tells me that most students make the choice to come to havermale. usually they are looking for an education and want to go to college, but the normal structure of school doesn't match well with their personalities. as she explains, i find out that there is much more attention put on quality and depth in the relationships with the students instead of just making a good grade. most of the students live in poverty and one student lives in a tent under a bridge. its crazy imagining that even now out of college, much less being in your teenage years. 

while we showed the film, i found myself on the edge of tears many times.in "Go!" one of the students who won a trip to northern Uganda is Tye from kentucky. 80% of the students he went to school with live below the poverty line and yet they still found a way to unite and make change together. i remember how i felt when i first saw the "rough cut" and how i saw a way for my life to be a part of something bigger than what was right in front of me. i kept thinking about how this message of hope speaks directly to the heart of a lot of people going to high school. the mere thought of any of these students seeing that hope and ability in themselves made me want to do everything i could to encourage them to get involved. i kept thinking - "this is one of the reasons why you are so lucky to be here, meg." powerful. most of the time we go to regular schools and try to connect with anyone, but this time it was different. the best part was knowing that they could relate with James and Robert about living and growing up through difficulties and tragedies following you throughout your whole life. this is why we have this job. to reach out to the people who have so much to give and don't know their outlet to do so. 

after the screening almost half of the students stuck around with bright eyes and excited tones in their words. many of them wanted to do everything they could to help. one girl named Cassy almost couldn't stay in her seat because she wanted to start now and do everything she could to be involved. many students brought up ideas and plans and had such eagerness to be a part of this. today i got a call from Cindy again asking for a copy of the DVD to share with people who missed the film yesterday. the buzz was still going and they were still excited. 

every student and connection matters. this is the beauty of what we do everyday. 

descriptive text only please.

maybe I should describe my life to you right now. we wake up early and stay up late. some days we drive across entire states. we stay with people we've never met before only to find that they are our family by the time we leave their homes. i spend my day talking to high schoolers of every type of background and hope that they find something they connect to and want to pursue. each day we wake up hoping that our work right now will end a war across the globe.

i live with 2 people who have grown up in a war. they have taught me more about resilience than anything i've ever gone through. they are no longer people from far away but their are my brothers. my team leader's name is taylor swift but he doesn't really sing country music BUT he does have beautiful blonde hair. the only other female on the team is from alabama and is the motherly role of the group. i have recently found out that she has a heart for cats almost as much as i love bunnies. sarah and i laugh harder together about random things more than a farside comic book. my other american teammate is stuy. his real name is mark kearnes lewis and the fact that he goes by stuy is an exact indicator of the kind of person he is. he finds a way to jump and spin and flip off of objects everyday. he is excited and lives with eyes open. we have deep chats almost daily. i love that.

i find excitement in traveling. you see things you've never imagined - like ginormous paul bunyan statues, redwood forests, hippie villages, coast lines that are mingled with rocks and drift wood, dogs of every kind, organic foods that heal the soul, silly elementary kids running through parks.

we are always busy. there is always work. my brain is constantly buzzing with thoughts and organizing. i have now become a woman who receives work emails on her phone and can be found in corners organizing and chatting about schedules with a notebook in one hand and the phone in another. coffee has now become necessary like oxygen.

this is my life, and i wouldn't have it any other way. unpredictable. messy. changing. growing. learning. happy. joyful.

Rest In Peace

Miller Nuesse is the first close friend of mine to pass away. This is a tough loss not just for me, but for my whole family back at GCSU. A lot of times while I'm out on the road with Invisible Children, I'll start to cry and wish I could sit with my friends and hug them. The other night I was talking to a girl and I almost couldn't hold it together. The beauty of friendship is that our hearts are tied to people no matter where they are. I hope that this pain and openness can connect to the people I meet. That is my one hope. Miller's story is not meant to be hidden. Maybe this pain we're all going through will make connections to people we never imagined. Through this I can say that I don't understand death, but I know that it is a part of the human life. I know that Miller is in Heaven and he is happier there. And his story is not over.

If anyone reads this, I hope you know that Miller was one of the best guys I knew. Even during our college years when the idea is to play hard and do what you want, Miller loved to give instead of receive. He was always smiling, happy, laughing, and talking in different accents. I know that his death is for a purpose greater than what we can see right now. And even though I'm crying as I type this, I am happy that he is finally home. I'm learning that it's ok to cry. It's ok to be sad that you lost your friend. It's ok to wish he was still here. Ultimately, I hope that through this death, someone else will see the love of Jesus like Miller did, and they too will always find a way to laugh, smile, give, and bring joy to the people around them.

This is tough. I am sad. But I know everything will be good. Thank you Miller -- for being a kind heart, a courageous guy, a joyful individual, and for sharing your life with me. The beauty of a friendship is knowing that when they leave your life for any reason, they still stay with you. I carry your heart with me, my friend. And I hope that I can be an obvious light of joy for the people around me just like you were.

I have heard of death bringing life to others in the world. Yet again we see that happen with Miller's life. By donating his organs, he was able to save the lives of eight people who wouldn't have had the chance before. During this time I think that Miller's life is a lot like the life that inspired the song "How He Loves Us" check out the story behind John Mark McMillan's song and what he has to say about dealing with pain and tragedy and what the Lord wants us to know through it all: How He Loves Us: A Story

Also, check out what the Atlanta Journal Constitution said about his life: In Memory of Miller

No turning back

There have been numerous breathtaking moments in the short few days we have been on the road. Driving up the 101 all along the northern California coast blew my mind. Mountains, redwood trees, and the rocky coast line made my jaw drop and my eyes well up with tears because of the beauty. If you have ever seen the movie Into The Wild there is a part in it when Chris is running in a field with wild elk (maybe moose?) and he finally just stands there watching them with tears in his eyes. I don’t know if you’ve experienced such a moment like that in nature, but I have felt exactly like Chris McCandless does at that time. Just today we were able to stop by Crater Lake on the way to Boise, ID. Wow. That’s all I can really say. I could have weeped because of the beauty here. What used to be a volcano is now a beautiful blue lake in the midst f mountain ranges.

Here are some photos:

Golden Gate Bridge

Northern California Coast

Sunrise in Oregon

Crater Lake 

Meeting people from all over the country has been an interesting aspect of tour. Medford, OR has some of the most kind hearted souls I’ve ever met. The people in this town have built homes for kids in Uganda, and have a group of teenagers who commit to a two year plan to learn all about Eastern Africa and its history. I’m shocked by how there are youth who take their own initiative and make change. Each day I meet young and old people who are aching for an outlet to use their talents and luckily we’re able to share a way to change the world with them.

Constantly being on a team of 6 is a hard job to do. Stuy and I talked about the difficulties of doing something amazing. In the (somewhat paraphrased) words of Mr. Lewis himself: “The most rad things are usually the most difficult. It’s a lot easier to just do the normal every day. Its also hard to help people understand that rad things are awesome enough to fight through the difficult parts”. In his own Stuy vernacular he has shared exactly what I believe to be true as well.

It seems like the most incredible adventures bring about the most struggle.I've already seen where I could change my mindsets and perspectives about situations. Looking out for others before your self is tough to do but its worth the effort. Waking up every morning asking myself how to see the need in my teammates is something that will make a difference in the long run and is a continual process to learn. 

I'm learning patience and servant hood and its hard, but maybe the beauty seen in between the learning is the encouragement to say there is goodness all around you and in you and through you if you just open yourself up to truth and discipline. 

this does not belong to you

Last night, a bunch of roadies, interns, and staff members all joined together to celebrate the launch of yet another tour for Invisible Children. After our meals were eaten & our desserts enjoyed, we sat & listened to Jason Russel, Jolly Okot & Ben Keesey - 3 of the leaders of IC.

Jason read us a snippet of the book "The Vision" about youth fighting for something bigger than themselves - almost a discharge into the unknown. We are all about to embark on a journey that will bring us to higher places, lower wells & deeper knowledge. In this we will fight for truth when fatigue tells us that we are fake. We will seek justice when weariness tells us to cut corners.

I do not know where my life will go from here. I don't know what I'll learn through all of this. I don't know what struggles I'll face & eventually overcome - but I do know that the people of Northern Ugandan will be spoken for by not just us westerners, but their own brothers & sisters & friends. I do not go on this journey to advocate my life, but I go for my friends in Africa who have faced struggles, hardships, terror, pain & suffering. Through this work that all of us roadies do, we will all find joy, triumph, happiness, wisdom, and love. And unlike the former, these things are permanent.

Friends - help me to remember this: "servanthood is the place where you find most joy. With every accolade & compliment you receive - kneel down before God everyday & give them to him. Because they do not belong to you. They belong to the orphans, the widows, and to Jesus."

More to come...

resolve

mount soledad is the most beautiful view in San Diego.

realizations:
conflict resolution is key to success in group settings.
love is seen best in servant-hood.
honesty will bring you to a farther place of trust.
the human brain is capable of so much more activity than we usually make it.

california really does look the movies - palm trees, surfers you name it.
Invisible Children supports justin beiber: Beiber fever
there is always an opportunity to see joy in the world.

more to come...

dream world

i now live with 60+ incredible people in southern california. each day we learn about the programs involved with Invisible Children & prepare for life on the road. in 2 weeks two ugandans will join us in the office and on the road to share their stories involving the war.

its hard to describe exactly what i'm doing everyday. it includes tons of learning and tons of studying. being around tons of young people who are driven by the desire to live for something greater than themselves. each individual has their own story of realization that we can give back and inspire others to go after the dreams in their hearts. not only do they desire to live for something greater, they also have already experienced amazing things. traveling to other continents, lobbying for the IC bill to pass, sleeping outside the Oklahoma goverment building, teaching in other countries - I am no doubt around some of the most epic & determined individuals i've ever met. theres no doubt in my mind that i'm around future world changers.

i can only thank God for giving me this opportunity. i am determined to work as hard as i can. i'll continue to update you on my life.

i love you all.

Shocked

Surprise cannot articulate my feelings right now. One moment can change your life completely & that moment happened to me last night at 845pm. As of now, I am a Roadie for Invisible Children. This time tomorrow, I'll be in San Diego, California to do what might be one of the most significant moments in my life and in the lives of people in Uganda. Lets end this war.

www.invisiblechildren.com
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/theMovement/National_Tour

what is the word that is beating in your heart?

tried to take a break from over thinking all the time. instead i just lived life and did exactly what was in front of me. reading books helps me get away from the thoughts in my head and into another place where my life is not really that big of a deal.

one book is "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert. granted, i have read this book before but this time around is more valuable i think. this time i can relate to her more than before. like the author, i am in a place of drastic change, uncertainty about my life, my personal self and where i will go each day. my path is quite dark and unknown and i dont think that there is an error in this fact. it is just the way my life is for now. and i have accepted that.

one part that stuck out to me is when gilbert has a conversation with her friend about the one word that defines people or places. in the book, Rome (where gilbert is currently residing) is defined by the word "Sex" - it is what runs the town, runs the people and oozes from every pore this Italian city holds. for new york, gilbert says it is "succeed" and for her own self she says she'll figure out what word she is at the end of her year long journey.

it got me thinking about what word would describe me right now. i thought about "laugh" - uh no not all encompassing, "adjustment" - ehhhhh nope, "seek" - doesn't quite hit the spot. and then it came to me like a light bulb turning on...

Desire.

most people correlate this to sexual needs but that is not the route i'm taking here. no no im talking the definition of the word itself - free from any connections. a longing for something. a need in all aspects of life. discontent until there is a change. when i see the word discontent i wonder if there is anything wrong with that. this place i'm in is not where i'd ideally be if everyone got to live in a world of rainbows and butterflies but here i am and this is where i'll be. i desire truth. i desire friendships. i desire depth in my walk of life. i desire more challenge. and yet i desire comfort. socially, emotionally, and mentally i have desire written across my eyelids and entangled in my heart.

and thats all i can really elaborate for now.

finer with age?

i like that the news talks about a suspected Russian spy. it makes me feel like the espionage movies are actual real life events. granted, i never want to be a member of the CIA or anything like that because i personally enjoy being honest about my life. but the fact that there are actual spies out in the world??? i LOVE it!!! hopefully i never fall in love with one because that would mean he's either A. not into committment & honesty or B. i will probably die in the end. either way - we both lose in the long run. NO. ME. GUSTA.

i guess movies and books bring about this intense desire for something out of the ordinary to occur in our lives. i think thats why i love to read all the time. i can enter into a persons world of drama and not have the reprocautions of their bitchin tudes in my life. i can also create even more unfeasable "What if?" situations in my head and imagine what would happen because of the creativity in movies. i love that even with the slightest form of imagination our brains can come alive and create thoughts that may not have ever occured without the primary inspiration.thats why we indulge in all of it. our brains love to create new thought!

with that in mind, i also wonder about how we as people seem to change over the years. we go from excited to apathetic in 5-10 years. i want to find inspiration in my post-collegiate days. i am thinking this is the time to see the deep meaningful aspects of life. fun is good and great and i want all of it i can get. there is also something very rich about experience, wisdom, knowledge, hardwork - all that i am excited to figure out. i guess i'm in that awkward middle place where i'm freshly out of college and still wish for fun, but i also know that i'm entering into a place of different experiences. what i can do is just try to keep the brain active. try to find fun & meaningful aspects of each day.

i'm going to commit to the saying "good things get finer with age". who says wine is the only thing that can fit into that category?

sow in tears

i am not one to blast people with verses in order for them to get the picture, but this is once again a post for my own benefit. why? because this reminder will bring truth and growth through an uneasy time. thank you stephanie.

1When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
2Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3The LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad.
4Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negeb!
5 Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
6He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.

-psalm 126

baby baby baby

I think, therefore, that for those who are pulled away from their familiar surroundings and brought into a strange land where they feel again like babies, the LORD offers a unique chance not only for personal conversion but also for authentic ministry. — Henri Nouwen

what do i have to say to in response to this?

ummmm goo goo ga ga? give me my pacifier, cuz this baby named Meagan Leigh is brand new to this world of Columbia, SC and everything that it has to offer. and lets be honest with each other, it isn't easy. it is not comfortable. it is lonely. but yet i know for certain that there will be release from the baby world and into maturity. all i have to do is believe and have faith that patience will bring life and it will be a perfect surprise for this wee little heart of mine.

a dreamers optimism

at the start of my new life - aka out of college and into reality, i have been given the advice to dream as big as i can & to ask "whats next"? with this in mind, i'm now off to start looking for a future. yes, going back to school is a step which means the GRE, the resume writing, the CV, the transcripts, the applications, etc. etc. but before that i want to give my time to someone else. even after heartbreak and set backs, there is a true desire to keep from being stagnant. some may think that this optimism is silly or not realistic. but aren't the people who are crazy enough to believe in the ability to find new dreams the ones who we see making all the difference?

i am committed to continue searching, dreaming, and asking what is next.

words to the self. words to my peers.

a foreword before reading- these posts are usually to myself so that i can grow as i think and live out my life. but i offer them to the public so that they can think, too. thats all.

all these opinions, ideas, actions and mindsets floating above our young heads just makes me laugh. we are so young and yet so bold in our words about "the world" and "the future". we are all guilty of speaking without thinking.

obviously our world (in my case, America) is in this middle place of change. maybe we could even put us in the awkward Tween ages. the American Dream is slowly fading and this new age of independence is arising. while even though this transition is in fact occurring, the American Dream is still flailing about trying to grab any young person into its grasp and pleading with them to follow the "work hard to get the house with the picket fence" mentality. the youth are in a shift and we can clearly see that! people are marrying later in life. we are traveling to new places in the world. we're speaking up for what we see as an injustice. the perfect middle class lifestyle has lost its luster. and you know what? that is ok!! that is good!! change is good and we should welcome this into our lives.

through this time, i love seeing the various lifestyle routes people take. maybe you are a do-er. maybe you are a thinker. maybe your life is intertwined into the electronic world. maybe you need to get away from everything and go live on a self-sustainable farm. whatever it is, go do it. but please, i beg you - be gentle in your mindset or opinions that place bold statements that cover lifestyles which may not be your own. we are all trying to figure it out. we are all young. immature. inexperienced. rookies.

go out and speak life into what you think to be true. go boldly into the world that lures you into truth and challenge. but please, please, please - let us be gentle with the ones who may live differently.as a young generation we have many many challenges ahead of us. yes we are somewhat cynical and definitely critical, but this does not mean we need to give the stink eye to our fellow man.

question. ponder. spend time investing your thoughts into what can grow into something legitimate. but please also ask your heart soul and mind for a balance.

never take yourself too seriously

it was brought to my attention that my posts seem to contain topics of conflict & battle inside my heart and mind - even soul. then i realized that my blog is entitled "frivolous & fun". i sat and pondered that. i kind of laugh.

i find that even though my usual demeanor in social settings is silly, i still take the time to analyze & question whats going on around me. but, for shits and giggles lets take a moment and read some jokes.

Q: what did one volcano say to the other?
A: I lava you!

Q: what do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: a pork chop

Q: why did the stoplight turn red?
A: you would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

:):):):):):) hehehe.

also. did you know that there is a website that uploads pictures of bunnies every day? oh,you didnt???? here you go: http://dailybunny.org

AND here is a funny video (in my opinion):

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1936952

hello? goodbye? ok fine see you later

i dont think that its a cop out to take quotes and apply them to your life. so here i am, gracing all of you with yet another quote to explain my thoughts and life and see if it comes together to make some kind of sense.

...And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin

Anais Nin has been someone I have researched and looked in to since high school. Her view on life has challenged me and yet brought me closer to my own soul. As some would say, "I like that"! As the days dwindle down to a meager two remaining left in the little, historical town of Milledgeville, Georgia, I have to face the fact that my time here is done. As my heart aches with pangs of sadness, I also have to grip the excitement of a new kind of life in front of me.

This city has let me grow into a person I've wanted to become. It has challenged me. Angered me. Taught me. Frightened me. Comforted me. The list could go on and on. But now, it is time to go. As sad as I am that I am leaving friends who have helped me become who I am, I can't deny the truth that just like what Anais said, I have to take the risk to blossom.

So here I am. Hello to my new world. Goodbye to the old. And see you later to every one I love.

the fear

Sometimes, you have to reach really deep into the hidden places of your heart and find your piece of mind. Too often we cover up our hearts, minds, and emotions by fear and anxiety. You cover up your own unique abilities with self-conscious thoughts that say "you should just hold back" because clearly no one can be confident ALL the time. The fear creeps up on you and fills your lungs leaving you short of breath and at a loss for words.

I can't live like this. Self induced paralysis is the most preventable disease a human can keep out of their system. I read everywhere about "living in tension" because it causes your heart to fight for truth. It causes your mind to question, to observe, to rise above the temporary struggles.

Keep fighting! Keep searching! I find myself screaming this inside my head. I am responsible. Not just for myself but for the encouragement of others. So I really can't backdown now.

Even at the silliest times I take the words of Dory the fish in Finding Nemo, "just keep swiiiimming!" ha. Oh my tangents and childlike mind, it won't ever stop.

Maybe this blog is really just for me, but I'm sharing it to whoever comes across it.

simple question.

"My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Then why do my shoulders ache every day?

a constant debate

i am afraid. i am confident.

i am scatterbrained. i am focused.

no no no. i can't start this now. not today, brain! all of this is a big jumble of fear, faith and freedom. where the hell am i going? what am i doing? are you sure about....?

but here i am. refusing to let those types of thoughts plague my mind and keep me from the refreshing truth of what i'm doing and where i'm going and what i believe in.

"As I walk through life, when I am confronted with some decision or perspective about something, I ask myself, “Will doing or believing this bring freedom?” If doing or believing it points me in the direction of liberation, grace and love, I go with it. If doing or believing something stimulates fear, captivity, legalism, dependency, hatred or condemnation, I turn the other way."

Dear God, please let me live in this mindset.

Last week, I watched a clip from Stephen Colbert entitled "Ablacknophobia". It covers the idea of the discomfort white people have when race is the subject of conversation. Colbert humorously shows his "courage" while discussing race in a various sort of challenges. If we think about it - race is a difficult topic to discuss. We are afraid of sound prejudice, unintelligent, rude, or hypocritical.


In my Criminology class, my teacher has brought up the idea of "White Privelege" - it makes me uncomfortable, unhappy, and unsettled. I know I am in a country where I am the majority. I am given the benefit of the doubt, second chances, and more opportunities than anyone else in this nation. The truth is, I never thought about how hard other people of a different race have to work hard to get to the same place I am. I didn't realize that there are underlying messages that say "White is better". I am discouraged by my cluelessness. In a land of "freedom" I want that to be lived out - for all people, but how does this happen? I want to apologize about this, but what good will that do? I want to be aware and not act out of ignorance or false mindsets, but when will I know I am acting this way? So many questions. So many feelings and thoughts. That is a lot of "buts"... It hurts.
It angers.
It frustrates.


I guess my only light at the end of the tunnel is the following quote by Socrates:


"it is necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals can rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal"


Tension is good. I must keep repeating. Tension is good. These thoughts will show themselves to find answers and these answers will bring change and this change will bring a new way of living and viewing the world.


For it is when our minds hit conflict, it is then that we can start to find answers.

sporadic

No apologies to anyone for my lack of regular posting. However, i think its time to be easy on myself and just start writing little blurbs of thought or questions to keep the writing process fresh on my heart.

Read this article in Relevant Magazine about our generation being full of irony, find it here

One section stood out to me:

“We need to remember that if we keep poking holes in our Christian faith, sooner or later, what will we have left?” he says. “We have work to do, and itʼs easy to simply sit back and poke fun at everything, but itʼs more difficult to actually stand up and be an agent for change.”

This quote sticks me at the heart because I know I am guilty of this. I have stepped back in anger and I've bashed the "system". I think I could describe my generation from a quote from Into The Wild:

Christopher McCandless: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum.

I think it's so easy for all of us to question what we're living in, but not make the change to do it. McCandless took a step to change his life - I don't think I'll take his route, but at least he took ACTION.

This whole school year has made me think about acting on the desire to see change. Studying MLK Jr, being involved with Invisible Children, listening to speakers like Ed Dobson & Sister Helen Prejean - they've all made me locate my soul, dig through the deep recesses of my heart, and face the difficult task of fighting discomfort. They have shown me - changing your world around you will be the hardest, most difficult, and most amazing thing you'll ever do. So go do it.

Fear does creep in many nights and paralyzes me. But the freedom I find in all of this is that I am not alone. Powerful, very powerful. Listening to Talitha Baker (staff member at Invisible Children) say the following words made me want to cry:

"There are three things I want to tell you about trying to change the world:

1) You will have to work harder than anything you've ever done in your life.

2) You will feel alone at times, but don't fret, call me or e-mail me and I will remind you of all the people who are doing the same thing.

3) You must be fearless."

There are too many people in the world who desire change like I do. World changers are never alone. So here I go...