Sunday, July 25, 2010

what is the word that is beating in your heart?

tried to take a break from over thinking all the time. instead i just lived life and did exactly what was in front of me. reading books helps me get away from the thoughts in my head and into another place where my life is not really that big of a deal.

one book is "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert. granted, i have read this book before but this time around is more valuable i think. this time i can relate to her more than before. like the author, i am in a place of drastic change, uncertainty about my life, my personal self and where i will go each day. my path is quite dark and unknown and i dont think that there is an error in this fact. it is just the way my life is for now. and i have accepted that.

one part that stuck out to me is when gilbert has a conversation with her friend about the one word that defines people or places. in the book, Rome (where gilbert is currently residing) is defined by the word "Sex" - it is what runs the town, runs the people and oozes from every pore this Italian city holds. for new york, gilbert says it is "succeed" and for her own self she says she'll figure out what word she is at the end of her year long journey.

it got me thinking about what word would describe me right now. i thought about "laugh" - uh no not all encompassing, "adjustment" - ehhhhh nope, "seek" - doesn't quite hit the spot. and then it came to me like a light bulb turning on...


most people correlate this to sexual needs but that is not the route i'm taking here. no no im talking the definition of the word itself - free from any connections. a longing for something. a need in all aspects of life. discontent until there is a change. when i see the word discontent i wonder if there is anything wrong with that. this place i'm in is not where i'd ideally be if everyone got to live in a world of rainbows and butterflies but here i am and this is where i'll be. i desire truth. i desire friendships. i desire depth in my walk of life. i desire more challenge. and yet i desire comfort. socially, emotionally, and mentally i have desire written across my eyelids and entangled in my heart.

and thats all i can really elaborate for now.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

finer with age?

i like that the news talks about a suspected Russian spy. it makes me feel like the espionage movies are actual real life events. granted, i never want to be a member of the CIA or anything like that because i personally enjoy being honest about my life. but the fact that there are actual spies out in the world??? i LOVE it!!! hopefully i never fall in love with one because that would mean he's either A. not into committment & honesty or B. i will probably die in the end. either way - we both lose in the long run. NO. ME. GUSTA.

i guess movies and books bring about this intense desire for something out of the ordinary to occur in our lives. i think thats why i love to read all the time. i can enter into a persons world of drama and not have the reprocautions of their bitchin tudes in my life. i can also create even more unfeasable "What if?" situations in my head and imagine what would happen because of the creativity in movies. i love that even with the slightest form of imagination our brains can come alive and create thoughts that may not have ever occured without the primary inspiration.thats why we indulge in all of it. our brains love to create new thought!

with that in mind, i also wonder about how we as people seem to change over the years. we go from excited to apathetic in 5-10 years. i want to find inspiration in my post-collegiate days. i am thinking this is the time to see the deep meaningful aspects of life. fun is good and great and i want all of it i can get. there is also something very rich about experience, wisdom, knowledge, hardwork - all that i am excited to figure out. i guess i'm in that awkward middle place where i'm freshly out of college and still wish for fun, but i also know that i'm entering into a place of different experiences. what i can do is just try to keep the brain active. try to find fun & meaningful aspects of each day.

i'm going to commit to the saying "good things get finer with age". who says wine is the only thing that can fit into that category?