tried to take a break from over thinking all the time. instead i just lived life and did exactly what was in front of me. reading books helps me get away from the thoughts in my head and into another place where my life is not really that big of a deal.
one book is "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert. granted, i have read this book before but this time around is more valuable i think. this time i can relate to her more than before. like the author, i am in a place of drastic change, uncertainty about my life, my personal self and where i will go each day. my path is quite dark and unknown and i dont think that there is an error in this fact. it is just the way my life is for now. and i have accepted that.
one part that stuck out to me is when gilbert has a conversation with her friend about the one word that defines people or places. in the book, Rome (where gilbert is currently residing) is defined by the word "Sex" - it is what runs the town, runs the people and oozes from every pore this Italian city holds. for new york, gilbert says it is "succeed" and for her own self she says she'll figure out what word she is at the end of her year long journey.
it got me thinking about what word would describe me right now. i thought about "laugh" - uh no not all encompassing, "adjustment" - ehhhhh nope, "seek" - doesn't quite hit the spot. and then it came to me like a light bulb turning on...
most people correlate this to sexual needs but that is not the route i'm taking here. no no im talking the definition of the word itself - free from any connections. a longing for something. a need in all aspects of life. discontent until there is a change. when i see the word discontent i wonder if there is anything wrong with that. this place i'm in is not where i'd ideally be if everyone got to live in a world of rainbows and butterflies but here i am and this is where i'll be. i desire truth. i desire friendships. i desire depth in my walk of life. i desire more challenge. and yet i desire comfort. socially, emotionally, and mentally i have desire written across my eyelids and entangled in my heart.
and thats all i can really elaborate for now.