hello goodbye.

meaganshorey.tumblr.com

I am the eye of the storm. This is the epicenter of chaos, yet I am left untouched. Swirling and flailing about is the mess of heartbreak, loss, pain, anger, confusion of all the people who are so dear to my heart. And then there is me in the middle of it all - listening and empathizing with them, but not actually letting the wind sweep me off my feet or let the strong rain soak me through and through to my bones. As people swirl round and round I hold on to them like a strange version of a merry go round. We swirl and soar and grasp on with all our might and I watch it all occur.  Am I tether tied to the people I love? Am I too afraid to let myself be taken up into the menacing clouds and lightning. Will I get swept up too?

till the earth

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle.”

—	Frederick Douglass

I can't get this concept out of my head. I think about my life and where I'm going and I find that the more I am in the process of figuring out and decompressing my experiences, the more I'm seeing different versions of growth. I'm finding myself to have days where I am upset and I am working out problems. Sometimes there are no answers and I just have to live it out. Actually, that's usually how it is in general. It's an ebb and flow that changes every day.

And then there is a time where you can't only think and contemplate your life. You have to go out and plow. Plow plow plow. Get your hands dirty. Wipe the sweat off your brow and continue digging and planting and watering and waiting. Grab the pen and write. Take the brush and start painting. Fail at them both. Hit a wall and have writers block. Scribble circles until another form appears.

I say all of this because I have had my time of talking and opening up and sharing and thinking and now, it's time to simply work.

game changer

I don't know how Adele is so raw in her lyrics...but she seems to shred open any emotions in my soul regarding past relationships, people, thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires and places them perfectly into a song. This is her song "Someone Like You" which is my personal favorite. I know how she feels. Isn't that the purpose of songwriting? Well done, Adele. You make my cry and know that we're all searching for understanding. I hope whoever reads this appreciates her as much as I do and can see that her lyrics ring true to me, and hopefully you as well. 

I heard

That you're settled down

That you

Found a girl

And you're

Married now

I heard

That your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things

I didn't give to you

Old friend

Why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back

Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead."

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead,

Yeah.

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday

It was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise

Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known

How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead 

trinkets and tie strings

They say home is where the heart is. If that's the case, then my home must not be your run-of-the-mill, four wall, shingled roof, fenced in abode that so many visualize when I say that.

For me, home seems to be found in tiny toys, friendships past & current, notes, paintings, pictures, memories. They all were thrown into a toy chest together to create the beating pulse to my well being. But now I feel as though a younger, pesky sibling has come up to the chest & kicked it over, spilling all that's inside across the room and into the nooks and crannies of old wooden floors. If my heart strings were connected to the items you'd see it as a large disperse of things going every which way. There all still connected, yet very far apart. The ties pull me in every single direction & the ache is a steady one that reminds me of the things that make me who I am. I'm not a marionette being directed, but the ties that connect me are so strong that its hard not to wish they could walk me through life, bringing me from one scene to the next, showing me where I need to go and what to do. 

But even Pinocchio cut his strings and found his own way home, right? 

rain...continued

to add on to my last post. tragedies surround us. yes. this is inevitable. and for some strange and not so abnormal reason (in my opinion) i am somehow "ok" of that. not in a "wah wah wah i'll be a martyr all my days" but in an acceptance that allows myself to be hurt and let the pain happen but not to dwell in the darkness. each blow to the heart or the soul or the mind can lead you down different paths. some people choose the route of lifelong bitterness. we become cynics or critics or just simply closed off. 

there is another side to the tragic. there is redemption. there is the balancing out of all that happens. in each heartbreak we are learning more about who we are. if we choose to express what has happened to us, what we have seen, felt, heard -- then maybe others can see that they aren't the only ones who have felt duped, kicked to the curb, lost, mistreated, you name it.

over and over again i keep hearing that the best way to live is by just going for it. again and again. because i see that its not about figuring everything out but by continuing to try. why give up on the search for connection when you've been let down in the past by promising people? don't you learn with each interaction and experience with someone? it is so hard to keep going. it is so difficult to keep trying when you are dealing with loss. it is so hard to want to try to care again when someone has broken your heart. it is such a challenge to open up your deepest thoughts to another when you've lost a best friend or a boyfriend. its so hard to allow yourself to express dedication to another when you've seen someone freak out about commitment. it is so hard to lose sight of what has happened in the past. 

...but our tragedies remind us of this - with each death comes a new life. and that new life will bring an understanding of all the pain. you gotta believe me. 

rain

we are all wrapped up in different tragedies. loneliness, unhappiness, loss, disappointment...its all there and around us and in us.

maybe this is just a phase, but i see heartbreak in every spectrum of view. even when i turn inwardly. its not all about living under your dark cloud every day but i dont really see any good of denying and ignoring the rain, either. what to do, what to do. get an umbrella? or maybe a rain jacket? what do these metaphors even mean?

i am tired of trying to dodge every droplet just so i can look back and say wow! i kept dry my whole life! its stupid to try to make every single decision the right one. you just.cant.do.it. its stifling. obsessing over which way to make things perfect is incredibly annoying and stressful. or maybe thats just for me? no, im pretty sure all of us struggle with wanting the best and most perfect outcome for our lives. i think with that desire we also dodge any type of experience that could leave us in a place where we can't predict an outcome. its a form of self preservation that only leads to half hearted living.

i'm overflowing with thought...

just kinda fits right now

“Life isn’t happily ever after and golden sunsets and shit like that. It’s work. The person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is. Because no one is worthy of that and maybe no one deserves the burden of it, either. You’ll be let down. You’ll be disappointed and have your trust broken and have a lot of real sucky days. You lose more than you win. You hate the person you love as much as you love him. But, shit, you roll up your sleeves and work - at everything -because that’s what growing older is.”

—	Dennis Lehane

On the Road with Invisible Children’s Tri-state Team

On the Road with Invisible Children’s Tri-state Team

If you want to know what my life is like since August of 2010, you must check this out. This perfectly depicts us in ways I can't really do.

alberto got it right

"The important thing is to not stop questioning." -Albert Einstein

you get blown away by experience and events and people and circumstances and then when your life comes to a screeching halt like the brakes on your volkswagen stopping for a bunny hopping across the street you feel like a mess of "who the hell am i"?

what is normal? what is abnormal? how can i gauge the change thats been going on in my life?

there are days when i literally feel like my body is disconnected from where i'm going and is separated into thought and questions. like i'm surrounded by a bubble of my own brain activity while simultaneously living out normal routine. i really can only say that what i have done for the past year has taken its toll on who i perceived "meagan shorey" to actually be. i don't operate the same way i used to. i dont really know how i operate at all. all i have is questions to figure out more and more about what actually is going on with me. is this what albert did? im sure he's a lot more creative with his questions seeing as how he, well, IS albert einstein. whatever.

i can't figure out where i stopped being who i was and started to be who i am now. maybe its just like the waves - the ebb and flow go with each other and form into one then split into two and you just start becoming this new wave without being aware. i'm a new jumble of a being. i am a traveler, a friend, an event planner, an activist, a quiet steady soul, an international connector, a giggling box of silly, an over-analytical worrier, a chatty cathy, an organizer, a quick wit...the list goes on.

all i know is that the meagan i knew is no longer and i'm still getting used to who i am now that life has slowed down...in a sense.

cars

as an internal and external processor i seem to always be thinking through many different topics and then also speaking about them to others. i literally feel like my head is a heavy trafficked highway in the major cities of the world. information comes into my brain, zooms by, flicks off the ideas that slow it down, honks the horn and slowly processed emotions, and gives a "thank you wave" to the light bulb moments that carry clarity with them on their flatbeds. all of this passes through the synapses like the dashed yellow lines of the road, into the tunnel that is called my throat and out to the world through words and spoken curiosities...

i can't fight who i am. i can't block up my thoughts and keep them swirling around. the bumper to bumper realities in my corpus callosum tie together the realities of the dreams to the wishes to the fears to the confidence to the wonder to the harsh truths to everything.

i am sad. i am joyful. i am quiet. i am a chatterbox.


once again on the verge of saying goodbye - all i can really think about are the experiences i've shared and all i can do is spend time with the people who have been apart of that. i find myself in pain because i know that i have opened up my heart to something powerful, something real, something life changing and yet here i am - on the cusp of turning over a new leaf. taking all of my things and packing up yet again, just like the 20 weeks on the road of this past year of my life.

crazy.

embracing the goodness. embracing the change. embracing the people who have been a huge part of it all. just trying to soak it all up for these last few moments.

...as a mule

There is reason to celebrate. There is reason to be happy and joyful and dance. We have worked so hard. We have given up hours and hours of our time to dedicate it all to people that we don't get to dance with, talk with, share meals with, or grow in a friendship with. But that doesn't mean we are not connected. 

I don't know where in my heart the desire to help people started. I don't really care to find the source, but only to continue letting it flow through my bloodstream, down into my hands and feet which lead me to act on what stirs me. It's not just about Invisible Children, or the 25 Event, or all of the amazing programs that are swirling around my life in a very real and credible way. One thing that keeps coming back to me is commitment. Even when I'm not surrounded by people who are on the road for 10 weeks, driving in a giant van with neon lettering, even when I'm not in an office stuffed to max capacity with bustling twenty-somethings with so much dedication, energy and focus - will I stay committed to what I am spending all of my energy on right now? 

One thing I've learned is that the easy side of life is good to feel, but when you don't know the depth to what you work for, the easy well runs dry. Genuine hearts are the people who have fought through their insecurities, misunderstandings, fears and came out alive and stronger. The fight to stay committed is what we all want to write about. We all want to live out the life that speaks louder than any eloquent phrase or perfected lyric. 

That beauty is found in our fight, in our dedication, in our stubbornness to get angry enough to truly care and see through change.

truth.

its there.

No one can take away what you've worked for, what you've done, what you've fought for. No one. 

clock is ticking

i think about love - feeling love, giving love, knowing you are loved - i wonder what it means to trust that you are loved. do you need constant affirmation? is it better to let yourself be free of it for spurts of time so you decide in your heart that people care & love you no matter what the length of time is?


am i lonely because i can't hear any buzz? are we isolated because we are unstimulated? do i worry about if i am cared for because i wasn't reminded a moment ago? 


love is not an instant message. love takes more than just an immediate jolt of affirmation. 
trust is the silence that you can find as a place of rest - not worry about who'll be talking to you next. 


maybe its about letting love resonate & sit & soak into your blood vessels so that you stand firm in the truth that you're worthy. isnt that what we all want to know? 


are. 
we. 
worthy? 


do you feel that way? do you doubt it? 

let us sit & start feeling the worthiness ooze into our hearts. do it.

the more i see, the less i know

i do not know. that is my conclusion.

dont know what? i'm unsure of that either.

depending on our upbringing, we may have been taught to think there are specific answers and "right" ways of going about life. not true. we can create ideals of what we think may be the best option, but all you're doing is pretending to figure out the answers to life. i keep seeing the world around me make less sense than it did before. the more i meet people from different parts of the world, the more i realize i cannot fit my hopes of an answer into any box that every person can unwrap. some people aren't even supposed to get boxes - they may be the gift bag type. so how do i deal with that? once again - i do not know. 


while sitting on a rock wall, i look out at a dam - the water is streaming over the edge and creating white foam that billows and then dissipates. huge chunks of ice fall to their shattering death and i secretly hope they'll stay in tact simply because hoping is a helpful thing to do. as i watch this constant flow of cresting water, to creation of foam, to cracking sheets of ice, my brain resonates over and over like a simple pulse - you do not know. there is no right answer. there is no resolution. but i am not brought down by this. no, its almost like i am that sheet of ice - i crest over the dam and my thoughts break into many pieces, all separate and yet all in the same water, coming from the same place of origin. this shattering is not a death that ends all thought - it is the death of the binding thought that says there is only one way to go about life. we are meant to shatter - to float different places and to continue letting these paths bring us towards more horizons and more reasons to see the world as not a tightly confined path of yes, no, right and wrong. we're all just floating, crashing, coming together, breaking apart, separating, and rejoining - or maybe not! i do not know. :)

the world is small

we arent as disconnected anymore. we are interwoven into a series of people who know people who met people this place and stayed with this person. spiderweb insanity is what i call it.

as i talk with Babs we continue learning more about our similarities. the way that our family dynamics grow and the way people relate to one another. there is no group of people like your family. they are always there. they always support you.

my mom was on the subway in boston going to her class at harvard. on the ride over she met a woman from LA who was at an invisible children screening that sunday. she met my friends - she met people i know and love and care about and saw the film we're all showing about Tony and Nate's story. she and her daughter learned about the story of Uganda - a war that has terrorized and effected our dear friends, it even effecteed Babs who i was just sitting at the table with, talking about our families and how much we love our mothers. then my mom calls and tells me about this random connection. now the woman's daughter wants to be a roadie.

it remindes me of the importance of always being open to the stranger next to you. who knows what story they will have to share?

it all comes around

I've dreamed of going to Montauk ever since high school when I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Today that came a reality. I don't know why certain things make you feel so special, but I feel like this simple visit has brought my head and thoughts to a circle that was once left open. It doesn't seem like it, but high school was a long time ago in some ways.

Sometimes opening up about aspects of your life makes you feel like your robbing it of its specialness, but I'm gonna share this experience anyways.

I liked that we were able to watch the waves crash against the rocks. You could smell the salt in the air with every gust of wind that hit your face. The rocks that lined the lighthouse were a mixture of dark coal grey and shimmery oranges. The black ducks that floated up and down on the waves were comical to watch as their wings flapped and feet smacked the already tumultuous water.

I'm happy that my excursions as of late have always involved spending it with people who are close to me. I've always had trouble with the beauty of experiencing something incredible annd having no one to share it with...thank God for my friends and teammates and the beauty and challenge of being on the road for 20 weeks out of the year. This has already surprised me in tons of ways and it doesnt seem to be slowing down...I mean, we still have NYC to dominate.

vague crossroads.

i don't know how to calculate growth. i am unsure of how we can measure permanent change. i am unclear as to when you really know that you've "learned" something that doesn't have tangible results. there are many uncertainties when it comes to people and seeing the difference in them. not only that, add the aspect of seeing change in oneself and you have a life sized rubicks cube with every color square in a big box of crayons.

learning is not easy. you don't become something or someone without having to actually experience that which you are hoping to become. (is that confusing?). with unknowns and uncertainty and no guidebook, the only thing you can really do is continue to live out that which you are trying to figure out. you can't become a painter without actually taking the brush to the canvas and flooding it with colors. you can't become a writer without overcoming the fear of creating something that no one wants to read. you just have to do it.

as someone who is afraid of failure, it is hard for me to go after what i can't completely calculate in my head. it is incredibly difficult to put myself out there - to succeed or fail and continue living with confidence and hope. but here i am, every day living out insecurities, overcoming self conscious thoughts, allowing my life to be vulnerable, and potentially making me look like a fool to complete strangers. we are all at a crossroad of paradoxes and miscalculations. some of us just sit there staring at the choices with a stunned look on our faces. others shrug and walk back to where they came from. some do the awkward back and forth dance from stepping out or stepping back. then there are others who laugh at themselves, take a big exhale, and just start walking towards the unknown.

i told myself that if the idea to do something scares me, then its probably worth doing. so i guess this is the uncomfortable but adventurous step towards the paradox and into the experience and hopefully into the sustainable change i hope for everyday.

my place

i'm currently sitting on the front bench of a 15 passenger van, in the dark of the night, listening to Pat Benatar, while Morgan - clad in a red beanie and brown jacket, taps his hands on the steering wheel to a fun beat and Bailey - tangled up in the midst of wires, power converters, and the occasional cracker wrapper, quietly focuses on her the screen of a computer that shows a calendar.

this has become my norm once again. i don't know when riding in a car became a strong sense of comfort to me. maybe it was my first road trip to Dallas with my family when i was six. maybe the expansion of what this country actually obtains made me too curious to stay in one state. was it the bobbing of the oil rigs that caught my eye and lured me out into the road? was it the rolling hills and vineyards of northern california that told me there is still more to be seen? even in the flat, beige lands of middle america, i can see beauty in the simple (minus the cow pasture smells...yikes). was it the winding roads through farms and power lines occupied by blackbirds that made me drive farther, hoping to find the end to their waiting line that brings me back out here time and time again?

i dont know the answer to this. i do know that when i'm driving down yet another long and almost unending highway, i do feel a sense of peace.

spectrums

a pro to living in community is the over abundance of having the "new and interesting and different" coming from all aspects of life. this is most clearly found in the people i am surrounded with every day. whether i live with them or not, they bring a new view to the table. all of the people here are a conglomeration of personalities, preference, taste, opinions:

we have Alex, who is the most up-to-date person i know regarding european music, world wide riots, and indie pop culture (if he read this he might get pissed that i just labeled it "indie" sorry im not sorry).





there is Bethany - the wise and welcoming one who seems to find a way to empathically embrace stories, music, and books into a eloquent blurb of thought. add a hint of humor and sassy responses and you have found someone who seems to know your soul no matter how long or short you've known her.

amanda - the colorful and cheery self proclaimed hair stylist who literally wears her heart on her sleeve by having a tattoo of it on her left arm. she came from cleveland, her appearance matches her multifaceted and beautiful personality. the more you get to know her, the more you see the layers of what makes her the person she is - fashion, music, and an understanding of life beyond what we see and into the world of faith and unknown love.

then there is Stuy - the dreamer. the explorer. not only is his mind in a place of constant "what ifs?", he is never slow to jump off a ledge and somersault to the ground. he looks at the world as a playground - each location is a new spot to make it his own. he will find a crazy story, and he will incorporate into his own adventurous heart no matter where he is or what he's doing.



clearly there are multitudes of more people in this cluster of beautiful. i just wanted to share with you a few who have expanded my concept of what it means to live, breathe, and think differently than the status quo. the great thing is that its genuine. they are who they are and that is all there is to say. i am constantly expanding and growing to see not just one, but many ways of the possibilities to view life.

(if any of the aforementioned people read this and hate their picture, all i can say is you're always good looking)

only those who know

something has been sticking with me.

i've been thinking about legacies - how we leave them, what kind of people are known for them, what does a legacy mean?

maybe the people most memorable and impacting are the ones who let us be ourselves. they aren't looking for a way to make their world easier, but other people's burdens lighter. they are searching for depth in another person's soul. they are listening to the long talks that aren't leading to a specific place, but may just understand the necessity of allowing a person to share. to be quiet and sit across from someone and let them unleash the harsh inner battles of thoughts that swirl around is to turn on a flashlight in a dark cave.

this past week made me think of people i have lost and the people around me who have lost friends as well. there is no way to explain pain enough to keep it from stinging. there is no prayer to make our tears stop when we simply have to mourn. there is no formula to protect your heart from breaking. somethings just have to be felt and processed and let to set their course. i will never understand that, but i'm trying to figure out how to accept it.

i really can only observe the people in my life and how they have faced these inexplicable experiences. i'm in awe of the leaders around me who continue to push through, persevere and yet allow themselves to cope. i don't understand how this works but i'm letting it become a truth. i read this quote by brennan manning that pretty much sums up how i have viewed the people around me:

"Only someone who has been there, who has drunk the dregs of our cup of pain, who has experienced the existential loneliness & alienation of the human condition, dares whisper the name of Holy to our unspeakable distress. Only that witness is credible; only that love is believable"

and it all came rushing in

tons of young voices. some excited. some groggy. some just a mere whisper. we're all new to this place once again. 63 twenty-something year olds are all about to embark on a semester of journeys - many different routes are to be taken, but they all lead to one goal.

i'm still trying to figure out how i am a "veteran" to working at invisible children, yet everything is completely new and completely different. they say that doing two tours is crazy - the exhaustion and the amount of energy put into one is enough to sleep for days on end after its all finished. our boss, zach, said the next four months is a sprint, not a marathon. ha! well, lets hope my lungs can withstand it.

i kind of picture it as the last two go's in the suicide running drill. if you've played basketball or soccer you know what i'm talking about. the back and forth running, time after time, one right after the next without much breathing room in between. its a drill you perform that expects you to give everything you have even when you're already exhausted, to finally reach that finish line.

but all sports analogies aside before i start sounding like a gatorade commercial...

here i am, alongside 17 other returners and 50 new roadies, working to end a war and provide means of safety for Congolese and Ugandan people. 12 hour work days are long, for sure. figuring out what it means to constantly work hard is still in progress, too. but without the practice there'd be nothing to show for it.

jersey

one thing that i'm excited to experience these next few months of my life is the return of north east accents into my daily routine. if only i could expand on the beauty of the nasally, elongated vowels, and yet sharp tone that spew from the phone receiver at the office! the beauty of the Tri-State culture that we'll come across is that they are much more globally conscious than Fran Drescher in "The Nanny" and yet probably have the ability to tear down any poorly skilled driver on the Jersey Turnpike. i'm ready for their strikingly different ways of operation compared to the long drawals and fluctuating tone of the southerners i'm so used to being around.

below is a song from the movie Garden State. the woman's voice is hilarious and eloquent. i mean, what isn't classy about a Lionel Richie cover? anyways, it gives you a taste of what it's like during my conversations at work.

mirrors, lakes, minds

i'm listening to a mix called quiet nights. i'm reminded that reflection isn't only for mirrors or placid lakes, it's for our souls, our minds, our hearts. looking over what you've experienced.

i've only been home, or whatever you call my location (seeing as how it changes weekly), for around 3 weeks now. i'm on the brink of leaving again for 6 months and entering into a fast paced, ever changing environment. i could spend this time reflecting on my internship, my travels, my experiences this semester, but instead i want to reflect on the people in my life.

there is no doubt in my mind that the song "Georgia On My Mind" was written because of the way this place resonates in your heart even after you've been gone. i, for one, can attest to the fact that the people i know are one's you'd write books about. characters in stories that are loyal, dependable, deep in character - that sort. these fictitious representations are mere shadows of the people i know and have met and have lived life with. when i leave you, i cry because i love you. you are forever in my heart as some of the most impacting people in my life. i wouldn't be here without you.

you are the Atticus Finch, the Charlie, the Denver Moore, the Samwise, the Ron Weasley & Hermione Grainger. you don't just make me feel good on a bad day or share the same interests - you're the challengers, the stubborn friend who won't let someone keep doing dumb things. you're dedicated, loving, and yet completely unique and true to who you are. to the few chosens - i love you. i need you. i respect you. and i'm excited for you.

until we reunite again.