i don't know how to calculate growth. i am unsure of how we can measure permanent change. i am unclear as to when you really know that you've "learned" something that doesn't have tangible results. there are many uncertainties when it comes to people and seeing the difference in them. not only that, add the aspect of seeing change in oneself and you have a life sized rubicks cube with every color square in a big box of crayons.
learning is not easy. you don't become something or someone without having to actually experience that which you are hoping to become. (is that confusing?). with unknowns and uncertainty and no guidebook, the only thing you can really do is continue to live out that which you are trying to figure out. you can't become a painter without actually taking the brush to the canvas and flooding it with colors. you can't become a writer without overcoming the fear of creating something that no one wants to read. you just have to do it.
as someone who is afraid of failure, it is hard for me to go after what i can't completely calculate in my head. it is incredibly difficult to put myself out there - to succeed or fail and continue living with confidence and hope. but here i am, every day living out insecurities, overcoming self conscious thoughts, allowing my life to be vulnerable, and potentially making me look like a fool to complete strangers. we are all at a crossroad of paradoxes and miscalculations. some of us just sit there staring at the choices with a stunned look on our faces. others shrug and walk back to where they came from. some do the awkward back and forth dance from stepping out or stepping back. then there are others who laugh at themselves, take a big exhale, and just start walking towards the unknown.
i told myself that if the idea to do something scares me, then its probably worth doing. so i guess this is the uncomfortable but adventurous step towards the paradox and into the experience and hopefully into the sustainable change i hope for everyday.