clock is ticking

i think about love - feeling love, giving love, knowing you are loved - i wonder what it means to trust that you are loved. do you need constant affirmation? is it better to let yourself be free of it for spurts of time so you decide in your heart that people care & love you no matter what the length of time is?


am i lonely because i can't hear any buzz? are we isolated because we are unstimulated? do i worry about if i am cared for because i wasn't reminded a moment ago? 


love is not an instant message. love takes more than just an immediate jolt of affirmation. 
trust is the silence that you can find as a place of rest - not worry about who'll be talking to you next. 


maybe its about letting love resonate & sit & soak into your blood vessels so that you stand firm in the truth that you're worthy. isnt that what we all want to know? 


are. 
we. 
worthy? 


do you feel that way? do you doubt it? 

let us sit & start feeling the worthiness ooze into our hearts. do it.

the more i see, the less i know

i do not know. that is my conclusion.

dont know what? i'm unsure of that either.

depending on our upbringing, we may have been taught to think there are specific answers and "right" ways of going about life. not true. we can create ideals of what we think may be the best option, but all you're doing is pretending to figure out the answers to life. i keep seeing the world around me make less sense than it did before. the more i meet people from different parts of the world, the more i realize i cannot fit my hopes of an answer into any box that every person can unwrap. some people aren't even supposed to get boxes - they may be the gift bag type. so how do i deal with that? once again - i do not know. 


while sitting on a rock wall, i look out at a dam - the water is streaming over the edge and creating white foam that billows and then dissipates. huge chunks of ice fall to their shattering death and i secretly hope they'll stay in tact simply because hoping is a helpful thing to do. as i watch this constant flow of cresting water, to creation of foam, to cracking sheets of ice, my brain resonates over and over like a simple pulse - you do not know. there is no right answer. there is no resolution. but i am not brought down by this. no, its almost like i am that sheet of ice - i crest over the dam and my thoughts break into many pieces, all separate and yet all in the same water, coming from the same place of origin. this shattering is not a death that ends all thought - it is the death of the binding thought that says there is only one way to go about life. we are meant to shatter - to float different places and to continue letting these paths bring us towards more horizons and more reasons to see the world as not a tightly confined path of yes, no, right and wrong. we're all just floating, crashing, coming together, breaking apart, separating, and rejoining - or maybe not! i do not know. :)

the world is small

we arent as disconnected anymore. we are interwoven into a series of people who know people who met people this place and stayed with this person. spiderweb insanity is what i call it.

as i talk with Babs we continue learning more about our similarities. the way that our family dynamics grow and the way people relate to one another. there is no group of people like your family. they are always there. they always support you.

my mom was on the subway in boston going to her class at harvard. on the ride over she met a woman from LA who was at an invisible children screening that sunday. she met my friends - she met people i know and love and care about and saw the film we're all showing about Tony and Nate's story. she and her daughter learned about the story of Uganda - a war that has terrorized and effected our dear friends, it even effecteed Babs who i was just sitting at the table with, talking about our families and how much we love our mothers. then my mom calls and tells me about this random connection. now the woman's daughter wants to be a roadie.

it remindes me of the importance of always being open to the stranger next to you. who knows what story they will have to share?

it all comes around

I've dreamed of going to Montauk ever since high school when I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Today that came a reality. I don't know why certain things make you feel so special, but I feel like this simple visit has brought my head and thoughts to a circle that was once left open. It doesn't seem like it, but high school was a long time ago in some ways.

Sometimes opening up about aspects of your life makes you feel like your robbing it of its specialness, but I'm gonna share this experience anyways.

I liked that we were able to watch the waves crash against the rocks. You could smell the salt in the air with every gust of wind that hit your face. The rocks that lined the lighthouse were a mixture of dark coal grey and shimmery oranges. The black ducks that floated up and down on the waves were comical to watch as their wings flapped and feet smacked the already tumultuous water.

I'm happy that my excursions as of late have always involved spending it with people who are close to me. I've always had trouble with the beauty of experiencing something incredible annd having no one to share it with...thank God for my friends and teammates and the beauty and challenge of being on the road for 20 weeks out of the year. This has already surprised me in tons of ways and it doesnt seem to be slowing down...I mean, we still have NYC to dominate.

vague crossroads.

i don't know how to calculate growth. i am unsure of how we can measure permanent change. i am unclear as to when you really know that you've "learned" something that doesn't have tangible results. there are many uncertainties when it comes to people and seeing the difference in them. not only that, add the aspect of seeing change in oneself and you have a life sized rubicks cube with every color square in a big box of crayons.

learning is not easy. you don't become something or someone without having to actually experience that which you are hoping to become. (is that confusing?). with unknowns and uncertainty and no guidebook, the only thing you can really do is continue to live out that which you are trying to figure out. you can't become a painter without actually taking the brush to the canvas and flooding it with colors. you can't become a writer without overcoming the fear of creating something that no one wants to read. you just have to do it.

as someone who is afraid of failure, it is hard for me to go after what i can't completely calculate in my head. it is incredibly difficult to put myself out there - to succeed or fail and continue living with confidence and hope. but here i am, every day living out insecurities, overcoming self conscious thoughts, allowing my life to be vulnerable, and potentially making me look like a fool to complete strangers. we are all at a crossroad of paradoxes and miscalculations. some of us just sit there staring at the choices with a stunned look on our faces. others shrug and walk back to where they came from. some do the awkward back and forth dance from stepping out or stepping back. then there are others who laugh at themselves, take a big exhale, and just start walking towards the unknown.

i told myself that if the idea to do something scares me, then its probably worth doing. so i guess this is the uncomfortable but adventurous step towards the paradox and into the experience and hopefully into the sustainable change i hope for everyday.

my place

i'm currently sitting on the front bench of a 15 passenger van, in the dark of the night, listening to Pat Benatar, while Morgan - clad in a red beanie and brown jacket, taps his hands on the steering wheel to a fun beat and Bailey - tangled up in the midst of wires, power converters, and the occasional cracker wrapper, quietly focuses on her the screen of a computer that shows a calendar.

this has become my norm once again. i don't know when riding in a car became a strong sense of comfort to me. maybe it was my first road trip to Dallas with my family when i was six. maybe the expansion of what this country actually obtains made me too curious to stay in one state. was it the bobbing of the oil rigs that caught my eye and lured me out into the road? was it the rolling hills and vineyards of northern california that told me there is still more to be seen? even in the flat, beige lands of middle america, i can see beauty in the simple (minus the cow pasture smells...yikes). was it the winding roads through farms and power lines occupied by blackbirds that made me drive farther, hoping to find the end to their waiting line that brings me back out here time and time again?

i dont know the answer to this. i do know that when i'm driving down yet another long and almost unending highway, i do feel a sense of peace.

spectrums

a pro to living in community is the over abundance of having the "new and interesting and different" coming from all aspects of life. this is most clearly found in the people i am surrounded with every day. whether i live with them or not, they bring a new view to the table. all of the people here are a conglomeration of personalities, preference, taste, opinions:

we have Alex, who is the most up-to-date person i know regarding european music, world wide riots, and indie pop culture (if he read this he might get pissed that i just labeled it "indie" sorry im not sorry).





there is Bethany - the wise and welcoming one who seems to find a way to empathically embrace stories, music, and books into a eloquent blurb of thought. add a hint of humor and sassy responses and you have found someone who seems to know your soul no matter how long or short you've known her.

amanda - the colorful and cheery self proclaimed hair stylist who literally wears her heart on her sleeve by having a tattoo of it on her left arm. she came from cleveland, her appearance matches her multifaceted and beautiful personality. the more you get to know her, the more you see the layers of what makes her the person she is - fashion, music, and an understanding of life beyond what we see and into the world of faith and unknown love.

then there is Stuy - the dreamer. the explorer. not only is his mind in a place of constant "what ifs?", he is never slow to jump off a ledge and somersault to the ground. he looks at the world as a playground - each location is a new spot to make it his own. he will find a crazy story, and he will incorporate into his own adventurous heart no matter where he is or what he's doing.



clearly there are multitudes of more people in this cluster of beautiful. i just wanted to share with you a few who have expanded my concept of what it means to live, breathe, and think differently than the status quo. the great thing is that its genuine. they are who they are and that is all there is to say. i am constantly expanding and growing to see not just one, but many ways of the possibilities to view life.

(if any of the aforementioned people read this and hate their picture, all i can say is you're always good looking)