a constant debate

i am afraid. i am confident.

i am scatterbrained. i am focused.

no no no. i can't start this now. not today, brain! all of this is a big jumble of fear, faith and freedom. where the hell am i going? what am i doing? are you sure about....?

but here i am. refusing to let those types of thoughts plague my mind and keep me from the refreshing truth of what i'm doing and where i'm going and what i believe in.

"As I walk through life, when I am confronted with some decision or perspective about something, I ask myself, “Will doing or believing this bring freedom?” If doing or believing it points me in the direction of liberation, grace and love, I go with it. If doing or believing something stimulates fear, captivity, legalism, dependency, hatred or condemnation, I turn the other way."

Dear God, please let me live in this mindset.

Last week, I watched a clip from Stephen Colbert entitled "Ablacknophobia". It covers the idea of the discomfort white people have when race is the subject of conversation. Colbert humorously shows his "courage" while discussing race in a various sort of challenges. If we think about it - race is a difficult topic to discuss. We are afraid of sound prejudice, unintelligent, rude, or hypocritical.


In my Criminology class, my teacher has brought up the idea of "White Privelege" - it makes me uncomfortable, unhappy, and unsettled. I know I am in a country where I am the majority. I am given the benefit of the doubt, second chances, and more opportunities than anyone else in this nation. The truth is, I never thought about how hard other people of a different race have to work hard to get to the same place I am. I didn't realize that there are underlying messages that say "White is better". I am discouraged by my cluelessness. In a land of "freedom" I want that to be lived out - for all people, but how does this happen? I want to apologize about this, but what good will that do? I want to be aware and not act out of ignorance or false mindsets, but when will I know I am acting this way? So many questions. So many feelings and thoughts. That is a lot of "buts"... It hurts.
It angers.
It frustrates.


I guess my only light at the end of the tunnel is the following quote by Socrates:


"it is necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals can rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal"


Tension is good. I must keep repeating. Tension is good. These thoughts will show themselves to find answers and these answers will bring change and this change will bring a new way of living and viewing the world.


For it is when our minds hit conflict, it is then that we can start to find answers.

sporadic

No apologies to anyone for my lack of regular posting. However, i think its time to be easy on myself and just start writing little blurbs of thought or questions to keep the writing process fresh on my heart.

Read this article in Relevant Magazine about our generation being full of irony, find it here

One section stood out to me:

“We need to remember that if we keep poking holes in our Christian faith, sooner or later, what will we have left?” he says. “We have work to do, and itʼs easy to simply sit back and poke fun at everything, but itʼs more difficult to actually stand up and be an agent for change.”

This quote sticks me at the heart because I know I am guilty of this. I have stepped back in anger and I've bashed the "system". I think I could describe my generation from a quote from Into The Wild:

Christopher McCandless: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum.

I think it's so easy for all of us to question what we're living in, but not make the change to do it. McCandless took a step to change his life - I don't think I'll take his route, but at least he took ACTION.

This whole school year has made me think about acting on the desire to see change. Studying MLK Jr, being involved with Invisible Children, listening to speakers like Ed Dobson & Sister Helen Prejean - they've all made me locate my soul, dig through the deep recesses of my heart, and face the difficult task of fighting discomfort. They have shown me - changing your world around you will be the hardest, most difficult, and most amazing thing you'll ever do. So go do it.

Fear does creep in many nights and paralyzes me. But the freedom I find in all of this is that I am not alone. Powerful, very powerful. Listening to Talitha Baker (staff member at Invisible Children) say the following words made me want to cry:

"There are three things I want to tell you about trying to change the world:

1) You will have to work harder than anything you've ever done in your life.

2) You will feel alone at times, but don't fret, call me or e-mail me and I will remind you of all the people who are doing the same thing.

3) You must be fearless."

There are too many people in the world who desire change like I do. World changers are never alone. So here I go...

raw vegetables.

i feel better reverting to the comfort of noise and commotion instead of dealing with my thoughts. there are times when i shove away the people who know me the most. in my head is a swirl of thoughts and confusion. in my heart is a circus of emotions that pull me through sadness, guilt, happiness, excitement, apathy and empathy.

i am a bundle of paradoxes.

in philosophy class albert camus has defined life as "Absurd". i can only agree with him. we all want answers to everything, but nothing is absolute. i believe in a God that relies on faith. the giving up of trying to understand it all. i am being challenged to question the environment around me and to see what i truly believe to be right and good. i am very cautious to step out into the unknown because i don't want to be "so open-minded that my brain falls out". but yet i don't want to live in a static state of acceptance and contentment. here is where the confusion starts.

this life is so busy at times that i want to run away from in all. get in my little volkswagen and drive and never look back. but what good has ever occurred from running away? i will try to fight. since i chose to let Jesus lead my life, i'm going through the difficult challenge to actually be like him. its currently pissing me off more than being all rainbows and butterflies. but that is the process!! i refuse to try and make my life look like it is put together. i am a jumble. i am rocky. and i am not stable. it is hard to rely on Jesus and God and trust that the Holy Spirit is leading me. and i don't think God is upset with me for admitting that. i believe he is excited because i'm being shown over and over again that i need him.

here i am. i want to make a difference but i also like to lay in bed and do nothing. i try to look past the veils that cover my eyes, but there are times when i like the veils because they don't question me or cause my heart to stir. i am at a conflict of interest. but yet, there is still a true passion deep in me. even though there are times when i want to throw my Bible across the room, i will pick it up off the floor and read it. there is nothing wrong with admitting that Jesus pisses you off. he goes against what we have been told. he is not a feel good my shit smells like roses 24/7 smiling, sparkly eyes man. he is rough. and ragged. and challenging. and uncompromising. but dammit, he brings true freedom. and i want that.

here are a few songs that i listen to a lot and they speak to my heart:

'sweet disposition' - the temper trap

'charmed life' - joy williams

'keep breathing' -ingrid michaelson

'garden' -needtobreathe

'hymn' -brooke fraser

'other ways' -trevor hall

'what matters more' -derek webb

shorey, out.

rock that body.

my life is a jumble of psychology, psycho-analysis, and the anatomy of people. i can't get these freakin humans away from me. if it isn't the study of their brain, its the in depth search of what the subconscious really means to us as individuals. then to go farther i am learning how to carefully study the anatomy of the face, shoulders, body and ligaments. its an endless search into humanity in all aspects of the word.  its all a process. 

but hey, thats what i want to do right? i'll dive deeper into this soon. 

a swift orderly change

i'm driving down the road, trees blurring into a green and brown haze, a cigarette resting between my index and middle finger is slowly burning, 'title and registration' is blaring from my speakers. as the light changes from red to green i think to myself "these are the happiest days of my life so far".

while sitting and resting i have found that i am connected to many things. the birds that make a nest in my porch's columns are my friends - even though they take flight in my presence, it is their constant coming and going that makes each day a routine.

my conversations with the holy father are a constant buzz of questions, statements, prayers, exclamations, jokes, and honest cries for help. jesus is such an interesting man to follow. derek webb's lyrics have challenged me to really think about what i'm saying, for i am reminded "from the over flow of the heart, the mouth speaks". the lord is challenging me to really look at what my heart is feeling, thinking, saying and in result what to do my words mean to others, but more importantly to my own self.

as the years pass and i continue to walk with the lord, i am more and more sure that this relationship we have is true. it is not a result of being around the "right" people or the "safe" community. it is real and not just a fling...he is the epicenter of who i am. i am because he already is. and that is a beautiful realization.

Not afraid to be the prodigal son.

Broken. Empty. Drained. Weak.

This is where You want your children. Not to bring about more pain and rejection, but so that You can take them to a place where only You can provide. They only have You to rely on. You want them to come to You and ask You for everything. Your heart's desire if for them to come to you for love and provision. This place of "human brokenness" is where all other resources equate to nothing and only The True Father can love and satisfy. As the God who is filled with agape, Your pure desire is to be there, picking your children up from the ground. You want to dust them off, kiss their face, embrace their weak body and feed them once again. The place of the prodigal is the place where Christ and man become the most intimate of friends. There are no ways to fix ourselves, no more scape goats to throw our troubles on to, and no more momentary comforts of the world bring us satisfaction. We only have our Redeemer and Lover here in our presence to fully provide for the exact needs of our heart.