Monday, November 23, 2009

raw vegetables.

i feel better reverting to the comfort of noise and commotion instead of dealing with my thoughts. there are times when i shove away the people who know me the most. in my head is a swirl of thoughts and confusion. in my heart is a circus of emotions that pull me through sadness, guilt, happiness, excitement, apathy and empathy.

i am a bundle of paradoxes.

in philosophy class albert camus has defined life as "Absurd". i can only agree with him. we all want answers to everything, but nothing is absolute. i believe in a God that relies on faith. the giving up of trying to understand it all. i am being challenged to question the environment around me and to see what i truly believe to be right and good. i am very cautious to step out into the unknown because i don't want to be "so open-minded that my brain falls out". but yet i don't want to live in a static state of acceptance and contentment. here is where the confusion starts.

this life is so busy at times that i want to run away from in all. get in my little volkswagen and drive and never look back. but what good has ever occurred from running away? i will try to fight. since i chose to let Jesus lead my life, i'm going through the difficult challenge to actually be like him. its currently pissing me off more than being all rainbows and butterflies. but that is the process!! i refuse to try and make my life look like it is put together. i am a jumble. i am rocky. and i am not stable. it is hard to rely on Jesus and God and trust that the Holy Spirit is leading me. and i don't think God is upset with me for admitting that. i believe he is excited because i'm being shown over and over again that i need him.

here i am. i want to make a difference but i also like to lay in bed and do nothing. i try to look past the veils that cover my eyes, but there are times when i like the veils because they don't question me or cause my heart to stir. i am at a conflict of interest. but yet, there is still a true passion deep in me. even though there are times when i want to throw my Bible across the room, i will pick it up off the floor and read it. there is nothing wrong with admitting that Jesus pisses you off. he goes against what we have been told. he is not a feel good my shit smells like roses 24/7 smiling, sparkly eyes man. he is rough. and ragged. and challenging. and uncompromising. but dammit, he brings true freedom. and i want that.

here are a few songs that i listen to a lot and they speak to my heart:
'sweet disposition' - the temper trap
'charmed life' - joy williams
'keep breathing' -ingrid michaelson
'garden' -needtobreathe
'hymn' -brooke fraser
'other ways' -trevor hall
'what matters more' -derek webb

shorey, out.

1 comment: said...

"I am a bundle of paradoxes"- well said. me too.