the world is small

we arent as disconnected anymore. we are interwoven into a series of people who know people who met people this place and stayed with this person. spiderweb insanity is what i call it.

as i talk with Babs we continue learning more about our similarities. the way that our family dynamics grow and the way people relate to one another. there is no group of people like your family. they are always there. they always support you.

my mom was on the subway in boston going to her class at harvard. on the ride over she met a woman from LA who was at an invisible children screening that sunday. she met my friends - she met people i know and love and care about and saw the film we're all showing about Tony and Nate's story. she and her daughter learned about the story of Uganda - a war that has terrorized and effected our dear friends, it even effecteed Babs who i was just sitting at the table with, talking about our families and how much we love our mothers. then my mom calls and tells me about this random connection. now the woman's daughter wants to be a roadie.

it remindes me of the importance of always being open to the stranger next to you. who knows what story they will have to share?

it all comes around

I've dreamed of going to Montauk ever since high school when I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Today that came a reality. I don't know why certain things make you feel so special, but I feel like this simple visit has brought my head and thoughts to a circle that was once left open. It doesn't seem like it, but high school was a long time ago in some ways.

Sometimes opening up about aspects of your life makes you feel like your robbing it of its specialness, but I'm gonna share this experience anyways.

I liked that we were able to watch the waves crash against the rocks. You could smell the salt in the air with every gust of wind that hit your face. The rocks that lined the lighthouse were a mixture of dark coal grey and shimmery oranges. The black ducks that floated up and down on the waves were comical to watch as their wings flapped and feet smacked the already tumultuous water.

I'm happy that my excursions as of late have always involved spending it with people who are close to me. I've always had trouble with the beauty of experiencing something incredible annd having no one to share it with...thank God for my friends and teammates and the beauty and challenge of being on the road for 20 weeks out of the year. This has already surprised me in tons of ways and it doesnt seem to be slowing down...I mean, we still have NYC to dominate.

vague crossroads.

i don't know how to calculate growth. i am unsure of how we can measure permanent change. i am unclear as to when you really know that you've "learned" something that doesn't have tangible results. there are many uncertainties when it comes to people and seeing the difference in them. not only that, add the aspect of seeing change in oneself and you have a life sized rubicks cube with every color square in a big box of crayons.

learning is not easy. you don't become something or someone without having to actually experience that which you are hoping to become. (is that confusing?). with unknowns and uncertainty and no guidebook, the only thing you can really do is continue to live out that which you are trying to figure out. you can't become a painter without actually taking the brush to the canvas and flooding it with colors. you can't become a writer without overcoming the fear of creating something that no one wants to read. you just have to do it.

as someone who is afraid of failure, it is hard for me to go after what i can't completely calculate in my head. it is incredibly difficult to put myself out there - to succeed or fail and continue living with confidence and hope. but here i am, every day living out insecurities, overcoming self conscious thoughts, allowing my life to be vulnerable, and potentially making me look like a fool to complete strangers. we are all at a crossroad of paradoxes and miscalculations. some of us just sit there staring at the choices with a stunned look on our faces. others shrug and walk back to where they came from. some do the awkward back and forth dance from stepping out or stepping back. then there are others who laugh at themselves, take a big exhale, and just start walking towards the unknown.

i told myself that if the idea to do something scares me, then its probably worth doing. so i guess this is the uncomfortable but adventurous step towards the paradox and into the experience and hopefully into the sustainable change i hope for everyday.