raw vegetables.

i feel better reverting to the comfort of noise and commotion instead of dealing with my thoughts. there are times when i shove away the people who know me the most. in my head is a swirl of thoughts and confusion. in my heart is a circus of emotions that pull me through sadness, guilt, happiness, excitement, apathy and empathy.

i am a bundle of paradoxes.

in philosophy class albert camus has defined life as "Absurd". i can only agree with him. we all want answers to everything, but nothing is absolute. i believe in a God that relies on faith. the giving up of trying to understand it all. i am being challenged to question the environment around me and to see what i truly believe to be right and good. i am very cautious to step out into the unknown because i don't want to be "so open-minded that my brain falls out". but yet i don't want to live in a static state of acceptance and contentment. here is where the confusion starts.

this life is so busy at times that i want to run away from in all. get in my little volkswagen and drive and never look back. but what good has ever occurred from running away? i will try to fight. since i chose to let Jesus lead my life, i'm going through the difficult challenge to actually be like him. its currently pissing me off more than being all rainbows and butterflies. but that is the process!! i refuse to try and make my life look like it is put together. i am a jumble. i am rocky. and i am not stable. it is hard to rely on Jesus and God and trust that the Holy Spirit is leading me. and i don't think God is upset with me for admitting that. i believe he is excited because i'm being shown over and over again that i need him.

here i am. i want to make a difference but i also like to lay in bed and do nothing. i try to look past the veils that cover my eyes, but there are times when i like the veils because they don't question me or cause my heart to stir. i am at a conflict of interest. but yet, there is still a true passion deep in me. even though there are times when i want to throw my Bible across the room, i will pick it up off the floor and read it. there is nothing wrong with admitting that Jesus pisses you off. he goes against what we have been told. he is not a feel good my shit smells like roses 24/7 smiling, sparkly eyes man. he is rough. and ragged. and challenging. and uncompromising. but dammit, he brings true freedom. and i want that.

here are a few songs that i listen to a lot and they speak to my heart:

'sweet disposition' - the temper trap

'charmed life' - joy williams

'keep breathing' -ingrid michaelson

'garden' -needtobreathe

'hymn' -brooke fraser

'other ways' -trevor hall

'what matters more' -derek webb

shorey, out.

rock that body.

my life is a jumble of psychology, psycho-analysis, and the anatomy of people. i can't get these freakin humans away from me. if it isn't the study of their brain, its the in depth search of what the subconscious really means to us as individuals. then to go farther i am learning how to carefully study the anatomy of the face, shoulders, body and ligaments. its an endless search into humanity in all aspects of the word.  its all a process. 

but hey, thats what i want to do right? i'll dive deeper into this soon. 

a swift orderly change

i'm driving down the road, trees blurring into a green and brown haze, a cigarette resting between my index and middle finger is slowly burning, 'title and registration' is blaring from my speakers. as the light changes from red to green i think to myself "these are the happiest days of my life so far".

while sitting and resting i have found that i am connected to many things. the birds that make a nest in my porch's columns are my friends - even though they take flight in my presence, it is their constant coming and going that makes each day a routine.

my conversations with the holy father are a constant buzz of questions, statements, prayers, exclamations, jokes, and honest cries for help. jesus is such an interesting man to follow. derek webb's lyrics have challenged me to really think about what i'm saying, for i am reminded "from the over flow of the heart, the mouth speaks". the lord is challenging me to really look at what my heart is feeling, thinking, saying and in result what to do my words mean to others, but more importantly to my own self.

as the years pass and i continue to walk with the lord, i am more and more sure that this relationship we have is true. it is not a result of being around the "right" people or the "safe" community. it is real and not just a fling...he is the epicenter of who i am. i am because he already is. and that is a beautiful realization.

Not afraid to be the prodigal son.

Broken. Empty. Drained. Weak.

This is where You want your children. Not to bring about more pain and rejection, but so that You can take them to a place where only You can provide. They only have You to rely on. You want them to come to You and ask You for everything. Your heart's desire if for them to come to you for love and provision. This place of "human brokenness" is where all other resources equate to nothing and only The True Father can love and satisfy. As the God who is filled with agape, Your pure desire is to be there, picking your children up from the ground. You want to dust them off, kiss their face, embrace their weak body and feed them once again. The place of the prodigal is the place where Christ and man become the most intimate of friends. There are no ways to fix ourselves, no more scape goats to throw our troubles on to, and no more momentary comforts of the world bring us satisfaction. We only have our Redeemer and Lover here in our presence to fully provide for the exact needs of our heart.

hope

Hope in goodness. Hope in positivity. Hope in the fact that no matter what happens, there will be something pleasant always occurring around you.

No matter what you believe in...God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, blah blah blah the list goes on. We as people need to hope for positivity. You are sharing love when you give up your reasons to be pissed off and angry at the world for something that happened to you.

Loving your neighbor as yourself means enjoying the simplicity of a good thing and throwing away all nasty feelings and thoughts. Share that. Share the good. Clear up the hard heartedness and just enjoy.

Giving up on being angry is difficult. Choosing to embrace goodness is so much more fulfilling. That is the greatest endeavor.

Are you sure you want to sign up for this?

One thing I have really been tossing and turning all in my head is the question and idea of "Do you really want to follow me?"

Jesus is the most uncompromising person ever to live. Jesus stated that He is the ONLY way, and the ONLY truth. So, if that is the case, then we should automatically just follow Him, right? But what if that isn't easy? Living for something or someone else is incredibly difficult. It means completely giving up what you want for yourself and dedicating all of your time for anything but yourself. Can I be honest with you and say that for me, that is almost impossible. I look at those facts with a dropped jaw because I know it goes completely against our selfish nature.

In Matthew 10, Jesus says (according to "The Message") If you do not go all the way with me, through thick and thin, then you don't deserve me. Wow. Can you chew on that for a little bit and really taste its full flavor? That is INTENSE! A life with Christ means every up and down, every heart break, every failure and success is meant to be shared with Him. And if we aren't able to go through heartbreak for the glory of God then what is the point of even calling yourself a "Christ Follower"? If we can't accept that a life of God could be extremely difficult the whole time because that is what God asks of you, then we should not even expect to see Christ in the end. Now, I'm not saying that our lives will be a complete and total suck fest, but there will be times when you have nothing left in you to go on. You will find yourself completely weak and heartbroken. We will all go through times of doubt and sadness. But of course there is ALWAYS hope. Who Christ brings through the depths, He also brings to the heights. Our life for Him means COMPLETELY sharing everything with Him, not just the good stuff. Thats huge!

We all have to ask ourselves "Am I willing to go through life with Christ even when I know it won't be a smooth ride"? "Am I ready and able to let God make life uncomfortable if its for His glory?"

Don't be ashamed to ask these questions...I'd rather know what I'm getting into after asking the tough questions, than find myself looking back on a wasted life claiming to believe in something I never really understood or knew.