...as a mule

There is reason to celebrate. There is reason to be happy and joyful and dance. We have worked so hard. We have given up hours and hours of our time to dedicate it all to people that we don't get to dance with, talk with, share meals with, or grow in a friendship with. But that doesn't mean we are not connected. 

I don't know where in my heart the desire to help people started. I don't really care to find the source, but only to continue letting it flow through my bloodstream, down into my hands and feet which lead me to act on what stirs me. It's not just about Invisible Children, or the 25 Event, or all of the amazing programs that are swirling around my life in a very real and credible way. One thing that keeps coming back to me is commitment. Even when I'm not surrounded by people who are on the road for 10 weeks, driving in a giant van with neon lettering, even when I'm not in an office stuffed to max capacity with bustling twenty-somethings with so much dedication, energy and focus - will I stay committed to what I am spending all of my energy on right now? 

One thing I've learned is that the easy side of life is good to feel, but when you don't know the depth to what you work for, the easy well runs dry. Genuine hearts are the people who have fought through their insecurities, misunderstandings, fears and came out alive and stronger. The fight to stay committed is what we all want to write about. We all want to live out the life that speaks louder than any eloquent phrase or perfected lyric. 

That beauty is found in our fight, in our dedication, in our stubbornness to get angry enough to truly care and see through change.

truth.

its there.

No one can take away what you've worked for, what you've done, what you've fought for. No one. 

clock is ticking

i think about love - feeling love, giving love, knowing you are loved - i wonder what it means to trust that you are loved. do you need constant affirmation? is it better to let yourself be free of it for spurts of time so you decide in your heart that people care & love you no matter what the length of time is?


am i lonely because i can't hear any buzz? are we isolated because we are unstimulated? do i worry about if i am cared for because i wasn't reminded a moment ago? 


love is not an instant message. love takes more than just an immediate jolt of affirmation. 
trust is the silence that you can find as a place of rest - not worry about who'll be talking to you next. 


maybe its about letting love resonate & sit & soak into your blood vessels so that you stand firm in the truth that you're worthy. isnt that what we all want to know? 


are. 
we. 
worthy? 


do you feel that way? do you doubt it? 

let us sit & start feeling the worthiness ooze into our hearts. do it.

the more i see, the less i know

i do not know. that is my conclusion.

dont know what? i'm unsure of that either.

depending on our upbringing, we may have been taught to think there are specific answers and "right" ways of going about life. not true. we can create ideals of what we think may be the best option, but all you're doing is pretending to figure out the answers to life. i keep seeing the world around me make less sense than it did before. the more i meet people from different parts of the world, the more i realize i cannot fit my hopes of an answer into any box that every person can unwrap. some people aren't even supposed to get boxes - they may be the gift bag type. so how do i deal with that? once again - i do not know. 


while sitting on a rock wall, i look out at a dam - the water is streaming over the edge and creating white foam that billows and then dissipates. huge chunks of ice fall to their shattering death and i secretly hope they'll stay in tact simply because hoping is a helpful thing to do. as i watch this constant flow of cresting water, to creation of foam, to cracking sheets of ice, my brain resonates over and over like a simple pulse - you do not know. there is no right answer. there is no resolution. but i am not brought down by this. no, its almost like i am that sheet of ice - i crest over the dam and my thoughts break into many pieces, all separate and yet all in the same water, coming from the same place of origin. this shattering is not a death that ends all thought - it is the death of the binding thought that says there is only one way to go about life. we are meant to shatter - to float different places and to continue letting these paths bring us towards more horizons and more reasons to see the world as not a tightly confined path of yes, no, right and wrong. we're all just floating, crashing, coming together, breaking apart, separating, and rejoining - or maybe not! i do not know. :)

the world is small

we arent as disconnected anymore. we are interwoven into a series of people who know people who met people this place and stayed with this person. spiderweb insanity is what i call it.

as i talk with Babs we continue learning more about our similarities. the way that our family dynamics grow and the way people relate to one another. there is no group of people like your family. they are always there. they always support you.

my mom was on the subway in boston going to her class at harvard. on the ride over she met a woman from LA who was at an invisible children screening that sunday. she met my friends - she met people i know and love and care about and saw the film we're all showing about Tony and Nate's story. she and her daughter learned about the story of Uganda - a war that has terrorized and effected our dear friends, it even effecteed Babs who i was just sitting at the table with, talking about our families and how much we love our mothers. then my mom calls and tells me about this random connection. now the woman's daughter wants to be a roadie.

it remindes me of the importance of always being open to the stranger next to you. who knows what story they will have to share?

it all comes around

I've dreamed of going to Montauk ever since high school when I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Today that came a reality. I don't know why certain things make you feel so special, but I feel like this simple visit has brought my head and thoughts to a circle that was once left open. It doesn't seem like it, but high school was a long time ago in some ways.

Sometimes opening up about aspects of your life makes you feel like your robbing it of its specialness, but I'm gonna share this experience anyways.

I liked that we were able to watch the waves crash against the rocks. You could smell the salt in the air with every gust of wind that hit your face. The rocks that lined the lighthouse were a mixture of dark coal grey and shimmery oranges. The black ducks that floated up and down on the waves were comical to watch as their wings flapped and feet smacked the already tumultuous water.

I'm happy that my excursions as of late have always involved spending it with people who are close to me. I've always had trouble with the beauty of experiencing something incredible annd having no one to share it with...thank God for my friends and teammates and the beauty and challenge of being on the road for 20 weeks out of the year. This has already surprised me in tons of ways and it doesnt seem to be slowing down...I mean, we still have NYC to dominate.