trinkets and tie strings

They say home is where the heart is. If that's the case, then my home must not be your run-of-the-mill, four wall, shingled roof, fenced in abode that so many visualize when I say that.

For me, home seems to be found in tiny toys, friendships past & current, notes, paintings, pictures, memories. They all were thrown into a toy chest together to create the beating pulse to my well being. But now I feel as though a younger, pesky sibling has come up to the chest & kicked it over, spilling all that's inside across the room and into the nooks and crannies of old wooden floors. If my heart strings were connected to the items you'd see it as a large disperse of things going every which way. There all still connected, yet very far apart. The ties pull me in every single direction & the ache is a steady one that reminds me of the things that make me who I am. I'm not a marionette being directed, but the ties that connect me are so strong that its hard not to wish they could walk me through life, bringing me from one scene to the next, showing me where I need to go and what to do. 

But even Pinocchio cut his strings and found his own way home, right? 

rain...continued

to add on to my last post. tragedies surround us. yes. this is inevitable. and for some strange and not so abnormal reason (in my opinion) i am somehow "ok" of that. not in a "wah wah wah i'll be a martyr all my days" but in an acceptance that allows myself to be hurt and let the pain happen but not to dwell in the darkness. each blow to the heart or the soul or the mind can lead you down different paths. some people choose the route of lifelong bitterness. we become cynics or critics or just simply closed off. 

there is another side to the tragic. there is redemption. there is the balancing out of all that happens. in each heartbreak we are learning more about who we are. if we choose to express what has happened to us, what we have seen, felt, heard -- then maybe others can see that they aren't the only ones who have felt duped, kicked to the curb, lost, mistreated, you name it.

over and over again i keep hearing that the best way to live is by just going for it. again and again. because i see that its not about figuring everything out but by continuing to try. why give up on the search for connection when you've been let down in the past by promising people? don't you learn with each interaction and experience with someone? it is so hard to keep going. it is so difficult to keep trying when you are dealing with loss. it is so hard to want to try to care again when someone has broken your heart. it is such a challenge to open up your deepest thoughts to another when you've lost a best friend or a boyfriend. its so hard to allow yourself to express dedication to another when you've seen someone freak out about commitment. it is so hard to lose sight of what has happened in the past. 

...but our tragedies remind us of this - with each death comes a new life. and that new life will bring an understanding of all the pain. you gotta believe me. 

rain

we are all wrapped up in different tragedies. loneliness, unhappiness, loss, disappointment...its all there and around us and in us.

maybe this is just a phase, but i see heartbreak in every spectrum of view. even when i turn inwardly. its not all about living under your dark cloud every day but i dont really see any good of denying and ignoring the rain, either. what to do, what to do. get an umbrella? or maybe a rain jacket? what do these metaphors even mean?

i am tired of trying to dodge every droplet just so i can look back and say wow! i kept dry my whole life! its stupid to try to make every single decision the right one. you just.cant.do.it. its stifling. obsessing over which way to make things perfect is incredibly annoying and stressful. or maybe thats just for me? no, im pretty sure all of us struggle with wanting the best and most perfect outcome for our lives. i think with that desire we also dodge any type of experience that could leave us in a place where we can't predict an outcome. its a form of self preservation that only leads to half hearted living.

i'm overflowing with thought...

just kinda fits right now

“Life isn’t happily ever after and golden sunsets and shit like that. It’s work. The person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is. Because no one is worthy of that and maybe no one deserves the burden of it, either. You’ll be let down. You’ll be disappointed and have your trust broken and have a lot of real sucky days. You lose more than you win. You hate the person you love as much as you love him. But, shit, you roll up your sleeves and work - at everything -because that’s what growing older is.”

—	Dennis Lehane

On the Road with Invisible Children’s Tri-state Team

On the Road with Invisible Children’s Tri-state Team

If you want to know what my life is like since August of 2010, you must check this out. This perfectly depicts us in ways I can't really do.

alberto got it right

"The important thing is to not stop questioning." -Albert Einstein

you get blown away by experience and events and people and circumstances and then when your life comes to a screeching halt like the brakes on your volkswagen stopping for a bunny hopping across the street you feel like a mess of "who the hell am i"?

what is normal? what is abnormal? how can i gauge the change thats been going on in my life?

there are days when i literally feel like my body is disconnected from where i'm going and is separated into thought and questions. like i'm surrounded by a bubble of my own brain activity while simultaneously living out normal routine. i really can only say that what i have done for the past year has taken its toll on who i perceived "meagan shorey" to actually be. i don't operate the same way i used to. i dont really know how i operate at all. all i have is questions to figure out more and more about what actually is going on with me. is this what albert did? im sure he's a lot more creative with his questions seeing as how he, well, IS albert einstein. whatever.

i can't figure out where i stopped being who i was and started to be who i am now. maybe its just like the waves - the ebb and flow go with each other and form into one then split into two and you just start becoming this new wave without being aware. i'm a new jumble of a being. i am a traveler, a friend, an event planner, an activist, a quiet steady soul, an international connector, a giggling box of silly, an over-analytical worrier, a chatty cathy, an organizer, a quick wit...the list goes on.

all i know is that the meagan i knew is no longer and i'm still getting used to who i am now that life has slowed down...in a sense.

cars

as an internal and external processor i seem to always be thinking through many different topics and then also speaking about them to others. i literally feel like my head is a heavy trafficked highway in the major cities of the world. information comes into my brain, zooms by, flicks off the ideas that slow it down, honks the horn and slowly processed emotions, and gives a "thank you wave" to the light bulb moments that carry clarity with them on their flatbeds. all of this passes through the synapses like the dashed yellow lines of the road, into the tunnel that is called my throat and out to the world through words and spoken curiosities...

i can't fight who i am. i can't block up my thoughts and keep them swirling around. the bumper to bumper realities in my corpus callosum tie together the realities of the dreams to the wishes to the fears to the confidence to the wonder to the harsh truths to everything.

i am sad. i am joyful. i am quiet. i am a chatterbox.


once again on the verge of saying goodbye - all i can really think about are the experiences i've shared and all i can do is spend time with the people who have been apart of that. i find myself in pain because i know that i have opened up my heart to something powerful, something real, something life changing and yet here i am - on the cusp of turning over a new leaf. taking all of my things and packing up yet again, just like the 20 weeks on the road of this past year of my life.

crazy.

embracing the goodness. embracing the change. embracing the people who have been a huge part of it all. just trying to soak it all up for these last few moments.