vague crossroads.

i don't know how to calculate growth. i am unsure of how we can measure permanent change. i am unclear as to when you really know that you've "learned" something that doesn't have tangible results. there are many uncertainties when it comes to people and seeing the difference in them. not only that, add the aspect of seeing change in oneself and you have a life sized rubicks cube with every color square in a big box of crayons.

learning is not easy. you don't become something or someone without having to actually experience that which you are hoping to become. (is that confusing?). with unknowns and uncertainty and no guidebook, the only thing you can really do is continue to live out that which you are trying to figure out. you can't become a painter without actually taking the brush to the canvas and flooding it with colors. you can't become a writer without overcoming the fear of creating something that no one wants to read. you just have to do it.

as someone who is afraid of failure, it is hard for me to go after what i can't completely calculate in my head. it is incredibly difficult to put myself out there - to succeed or fail and continue living with confidence and hope. but here i am, every day living out insecurities, overcoming self conscious thoughts, allowing my life to be vulnerable, and potentially making me look like a fool to complete strangers. we are all at a crossroad of paradoxes and miscalculations. some of us just sit there staring at the choices with a stunned look on our faces. others shrug and walk back to where they came from. some do the awkward back and forth dance from stepping out or stepping back. then there are others who laugh at themselves, take a big exhale, and just start walking towards the unknown.

i told myself that if the idea to do something scares me, then its probably worth doing. so i guess this is the uncomfortable but adventurous step towards the paradox and into the experience and hopefully into the sustainable change i hope for everyday.

my place

i'm currently sitting on the front bench of a 15 passenger van, in the dark of the night, listening to Pat Benatar, while Morgan - clad in a red beanie and brown jacket, taps his hands on the steering wheel to a fun beat and Bailey - tangled up in the midst of wires, power converters, and the occasional cracker wrapper, quietly focuses on her the screen of a computer that shows a calendar.

this has become my norm once again. i don't know when riding in a car became a strong sense of comfort to me. maybe it was my first road trip to Dallas with my family when i was six. maybe the expansion of what this country actually obtains made me too curious to stay in one state. was it the bobbing of the oil rigs that caught my eye and lured me out into the road? was it the rolling hills and vineyards of northern california that told me there is still more to be seen? even in the flat, beige lands of middle america, i can see beauty in the simple (minus the cow pasture smells...yikes). was it the winding roads through farms and power lines occupied by blackbirds that made me drive farther, hoping to find the end to their waiting line that brings me back out here time and time again?

i dont know the answer to this. i do know that when i'm driving down yet another long and almost unending highway, i do feel a sense of peace.

spectrums

a pro to living in community is the over abundance of having the "new and interesting and different" coming from all aspects of life. this is most clearly found in the people i am surrounded with every day. whether i live with them or not, they bring a new view to the table. all of the people here are a conglomeration of personalities, preference, taste, opinions:

we have Alex, who is the most up-to-date person i know regarding european music, world wide riots, and indie pop culture (if he read this he might get pissed that i just labeled it "indie" sorry im not sorry).





there is Bethany - the wise and welcoming one who seems to find a way to empathically embrace stories, music, and books into a eloquent blurb of thought. add a hint of humor and sassy responses and you have found someone who seems to know your soul no matter how long or short you've known her.

amanda - the colorful and cheery self proclaimed hair stylist who literally wears her heart on her sleeve by having a tattoo of it on her left arm. she came from cleveland, her appearance matches her multifaceted and beautiful personality. the more you get to know her, the more you see the layers of what makes her the person she is - fashion, music, and an understanding of life beyond what we see and into the world of faith and unknown love.

then there is Stuy - the dreamer. the explorer. not only is his mind in a place of constant "what ifs?", he is never slow to jump off a ledge and somersault to the ground. he looks at the world as a playground - each location is a new spot to make it his own. he will find a crazy story, and he will incorporate into his own adventurous heart no matter where he is or what he's doing.



clearly there are multitudes of more people in this cluster of beautiful. i just wanted to share with you a few who have expanded my concept of what it means to live, breathe, and think differently than the status quo. the great thing is that its genuine. they are who they are and that is all there is to say. i am constantly expanding and growing to see not just one, but many ways of the possibilities to view life.

(if any of the aforementioned people read this and hate their picture, all i can say is you're always good looking)

only those who know

something has been sticking with me.

i've been thinking about legacies - how we leave them, what kind of people are known for them, what does a legacy mean?

maybe the people most memorable and impacting are the ones who let us be ourselves. they aren't looking for a way to make their world easier, but other people's burdens lighter. they are searching for depth in another person's soul. they are listening to the long talks that aren't leading to a specific place, but may just understand the necessity of allowing a person to share. to be quiet and sit across from someone and let them unleash the harsh inner battles of thoughts that swirl around is to turn on a flashlight in a dark cave.

this past week made me think of people i have lost and the people around me who have lost friends as well. there is no way to explain pain enough to keep it from stinging. there is no prayer to make our tears stop when we simply have to mourn. there is no formula to protect your heart from breaking. somethings just have to be felt and processed and let to set their course. i will never understand that, but i'm trying to figure out how to accept it.

i really can only observe the people in my life and how they have faced these inexplicable experiences. i'm in awe of the leaders around me who continue to push through, persevere and yet allow themselves to cope. i don't understand how this works but i'm letting it become a truth. i read this quote by brennan manning that pretty much sums up how i have viewed the people around me:

"Only someone who has been there, who has drunk the dregs of our cup of pain, who has experienced the existential loneliness & alienation of the human condition, dares whisper the name of Holy to our unspeakable distress. Only that witness is credible; only that love is believable"

and it all came rushing in

tons of young voices. some excited. some groggy. some just a mere whisper. we're all new to this place once again. 63 twenty-something year olds are all about to embark on a semester of journeys - many different routes are to be taken, but they all lead to one goal.

i'm still trying to figure out how i am a "veteran" to working at invisible children, yet everything is completely new and completely different. they say that doing two tours is crazy - the exhaustion and the amount of energy put into one is enough to sleep for days on end after its all finished. our boss, zach, said the next four months is a sprint, not a marathon. ha! well, lets hope my lungs can withstand it.

i kind of picture it as the last two go's in the suicide running drill. if you've played basketball or soccer you know what i'm talking about. the back and forth running, time after time, one right after the next without much breathing room in between. its a drill you perform that expects you to give everything you have even when you're already exhausted, to finally reach that finish line.

but all sports analogies aside before i start sounding like a gatorade commercial...

here i am, alongside 17 other returners and 50 new roadies, working to end a war and provide means of safety for Congolese and Ugandan people. 12 hour work days are long, for sure. figuring out what it means to constantly work hard is still in progress, too. but without the practice there'd be nothing to show for it.

jersey

one thing that i'm excited to experience these next few months of my life is the return of north east accents into my daily routine. if only i could expand on the beauty of the nasally, elongated vowels, and yet sharp tone that spew from the phone receiver at the office! the beauty of the Tri-State culture that we'll come across is that they are much more globally conscious than Fran Drescher in "The Nanny" and yet probably have the ability to tear down any poorly skilled driver on the Jersey Turnpike. i'm ready for their strikingly different ways of operation compared to the long drawals and fluctuating tone of the southerners i'm so used to being around.

below is a song from the movie Garden State. the woman's voice is hilarious and eloquent. i mean, what isn't classy about a Lionel Richie cover? anyways, it gives you a taste of what it's like during my conversations at work.

mirrors, lakes, minds

i'm listening to a mix called quiet nights. i'm reminded that reflection isn't only for mirrors or placid lakes, it's for our souls, our minds, our hearts. looking over what you've experienced.

i've only been home, or whatever you call my location (seeing as how it changes weekly), for around 3 weeks now. i'm on the brink of leaving again for 6 months and entering into a fast paced, ever changing environment. i could spend this time reflecting on my internship, my travels, my experiences this semester, but instead i want to reflect on the people in my life.

there is no doubt in my mind that the song "Georgia On My Mind" was written because of the way this place resonates in your heart even after you've been gone. i, for one, can attest to the fact that the people i know are one's you'd write books about. characters in stories that are loyal, dependable, deep in character - that sort. these fictitious representations are mere shadows of the people i know and have met and have lived life with. when i leave you, i cry because i love you. you are forever in my heart as some of the most impacting people in my life. i wouldn't be here without you.

you are the Atticus Finch, the Charlie, the Denver Moore, the Samwise, the Ron Weasley & Hermione Grainger. you don't just make me feel good on a bad day or share the same interests - you're the challengers, the stubborn friend who won't let someone keep doing dumb things. you're dedicated, loving, and yet completely unique and true to who you are. to the few chosens - i love you. i need you. i respect you. and i'm excited for you.

until we reunite again.