a constant debate

i am afraid. i am confident.

i am scatterbrained. i am focused.

no no no. i can't start this now. not today, brain! all of this is a big jumble of fear, faith and freedom. where the hell am i going? what am i doing? are you sure about....?

but here i am. refusing to let those types of thoughts plague my mind and keep me from the refreshing truth of what i'm doing and where i'm going and what i believe in.

"As I walk through life, when I am confronted with some decision or perspective about something, I ask myself, “Will doing or believing this bring freedom?” If doing or believing it points me in the direction of liberation, grace and love, I go with it. If doing or believing something stimulates fear, captivity, legalism, dependency, hatred or condemnation, I turn the other way."

Dear God, please let me live in this mindset.

Last week, I watched a clip from Stephen Colbert entitled "Ablacknophobia". It covers the idea of the discomfort white people have when race is the subject of conversation. Colbert humorously shows his "courage" while discussing race in a various sort of challenges. If we think about it - race is a difficult topic to discuss. We are afraid of sound prejudice, unintelligent, rude, or hypocritical.


In my Criminology class, my teacher has brought up the idea of "White Privelege" - it makes me uncomfortable, unhappy, and unsettled. I know I am in a country where I am the majority. I am given the benefit of the doubt, second chances, and more opportunities than anyone else in this nation. The truth is, I never thought about how hard other people of a different race have to work hard to get to the same place I am. I didn't realize that there are underlying messages that say "White is better". I am discouraged by my cluelessness. In a land of "freedom" I want that to be lived out - for all people, but how does this happen? I want to apologize about this, but what good will that do? I want to be aware and not act out of ignorance or false mindsets, but when will I know I am acting this way? So many questions. So many feelings and thoughts. That is a lot of "buts"... It hurts.
It angers.
It frustrates.


I guess my only light at the end of the tunnel is the following quote by Socrates:


"it is necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals can rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal"


Tension is good. I must keep repeating. Tension is good. These thoughts will show themselves to find answers and these answers will bring change and this change will bring a new way of living and viewing the world.


For it is when our minds hit conflict, it is then that we can start to find answers.

sporadic

No apologies to anyone for my lack of regular posting. However, i think its time to be easy on myself and just start writing little blurbs of thought or questions to keep the writing process fresh on my heart.

Read this article in Relevant Magazine about our generation being full of irony, find it here

One section stood out to me:

“We need to remember that if we keep poking holes in our Christian faith, sooner or later, what will we have left?” he says. “We have work to do, and itʼs easy to simply sit back and poke fun at everything, but itʼs more difficult to actually stand up and be an agent for change.”

This quote sticks me at the heart because I know I am guilty of this. I have stepped back in anger and I've bashed the "system". I think I could describe my generation from a quote from Into The Wild:

Christopher McCandless: Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum.

I think it's so easy for all of us to question what we're living in, but not make the change to do it. McCandless took a step to change his life - I don't think I'll take his route, but at least he took ACTION.

This whole school year has made me think about acting on the desire to see change. Studying MLK Jr, being involved with Invisible Children, listening to speakers like Ed Dobson & Sister Helen Prejean - they've all made me locate my soul, dig through the deep recesses of my heart, and face the difficult task of fighting discomfort. They have shown me - changing your world around you will be the hardest, most difficult, and most amazing thing you'll ever do. So go do it.

Fear does creep in many nights and paralyzes me. But the freedom I find in all of this is that I am not alone. Powerful, very powerful. Listening to Talitha Baker (staff member at Invisible Children) say the following words made me want to cry:

"There are three things I want to tell you about trying to change the world:

1) You will have to work harder than anything you've ever done in your life.

2) You will feel alone at times, but don't fret, call me or e-mail me and I will remind you of all the people who are doing the same thing.

3) You must be fearless."

There are too many people in the world who desire change like I do. World changers are never alone. So here I go...