hello goodbye.

meaganshorey.tumblr.com

I am the eye of the storm. This is the epicenter of chaos, yet I am left untouched. Swirling and flailing about is the mess of heartbreak, loss, pain, anger, confusion of all the people who are so dear to my heart. And then there is me in the middle of it all - listening and empathizing with them, but not actually letting the wind sweep me off my feet or let the strong rain soak me through and through to my bones. As people swirl round and round I hold on to them like a strange version of a merry go round. We swirl and soar and grasp on with all our might and I watch it all occur.  Am I tether tied to the people I love? Am I too afraid to let myself be taken up into the menacing clouds and lightning. Will I get swept up too?

till the earth

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle.”

—	Frederick Douglass

I can't get this concept out of my head. I think about my life and where I'm going and I find that the more I am in the process of figuring out and decompressing my experiences, the more I'm seeing different versions of growth. I'm finding myself to have days where I am upset and I am working out problems. Sometimes there are no answers and I just have to live it out. Actually, that's usually how it is in general. It's an ebb and flow that changes every day.

And then there is a time where you can't only think and contemplate your life. You have to go out and plow. Plow plow plow. Get your hands dirty. Wipe the sweat off your brow and continue digging and planting and watering and waiting. Grab the pen and write. Take the brush and start painting. Fail at them both. Hit a wall and have writers block. Scribble circles until another form appears.

I say all of this because I have had my time of talking and opening up and sharing and thinking and now, it's time to simply work.

game changer

I don't know how Adele is so raw in her lyrics...but she seems to shred open any emotions in my soul regarding past relationships, people, thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires and places them perfectly into a song. This is her song "Someone Like You" which is my personal favorite. I know how she feels. Isn't that the purpose of songwriting? Well done, Adele. You make my cry and know that we're all searching for understanding. I hope whoever reads this appreciates her as much as I do and can see that her lyrics ring true to me, and hopefully you as well. 

I heard

That you're settled down

That you

Found a girl

And you're

Married now

I heard

That your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things

I didn't give to you

Old friend

Why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back

Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead."

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead,

Yeah.

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday

It was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise

Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known

How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead 

trinkets and tie strings

They say home is where the heart is. If that's the case, then my home must not be your run-of-the-mill, four wall, shingled roof, fenced in abode that so many visualize when I say that.

For me, home seems to be found in tiny toys, friendships past & current, notes, paintings, pictures, memories. They all were thrown into a toy chest together to create the beating pulse to my well being. But now I feel as though a younger, pesky sibling has come up to the chest & kicked it over, spilling all that's inside across the room and into the nooks and crannies of old wooden floors. If my heart strings were connected to the items you'd see it as a large disperse of things going every which way. There all still connected, yet very far apart. The ties pull me in every single direction & the ache is a steady one that reminds me of the things that make me who I am. I'm not a marionette being directed, but the ties that connect me are so strong that its hard not to wish they could walk me through life, bringing me from one scene to the next, showing me where I need to go and what to do. 

But even Pinocchio cut his strings and found his own way home, right? 

rain...continued

to add on to my last post. tragedies surround us. yes. this is inevitable. and for some strange and not so abnormal reason (in my opinion) i am somehow "ok" of that. not in a "wah wah wah i'll be a martyr all my days" but in an acceptance that allows myself to be hurt and let the pain happen but not to dwell in the darkness. each blow to the heart or the soul or the mind can lead you down different paths. some people choose the route of lifelong bitterness. we become cynics or critics or just simply closed off. 

there is another side to the tragic. there is redemption. there is the balancing out of all that happens. in each heartbreak we are learning more about who we are. if we choose to express what has happened to us, what we have seen, felt, heard -- then maybe others can see that they aren't the only ones who have felt duped, kicked to the curb, lost, mistreated, you name it.

over and over again i keep hearing that the best way to live is by just going for it. again and again. because i see that its not about figuring everything out but by continuing to try. why give up on the search for connection when you've been let down in the past by promising people? don't you learn with each interaction and experience with someone? it is so hard to keep going. it is so difficult to keep trying when you are dealing with loss. it is so hard to want to try to care again when someone has broken your heart. it is such a challenge to open up your deepest thoughts to another when you've lost a best friend or a boyfriend. its so hard to allow yourself to express dedication to another when you've seen someone freak out about commitment. it is so hard to lose sight of what has happened in the past. 

...but our tragedies remind us of this - with each death comes a new life. and that new life will bring an understanding of all the pain. you gotta believe me. 

rain

we are all wrapped up in different tragedies. loneliness, unhappiness, loss, disappointment...its all there and around us and in us.

maybe this is just a phase, but i see heartbreak in every spectrum of view. even when i turn inwardly. its not all about living under your dark cloud every day but i dont really see any good of denying and ignoring the rain, either. what to do, what to do. get an umbrella? or maybe a rain jacket? what do these metaphors even mean?

i am tired of trying to dodge every droplet just so i can look back and say wow! i kept dry my whole life! its stupid to try to make every single decision the right one. you just.cant.do.it. its stifling. obsessing over which way to make things perfect is incredibly annoying and stressful. or maybe thats just for me? no, im pretty sure all of us struggle with wanting the best and most perfect outcome for our lives. i think with that desire we also dodge any type of experience that could leave us in a place where we can't predict an outcome. its a form of self preservation that only leads to half hearted living.

i'm overflowing with thought...